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iSH FROM ABRAHAM'S BO 



^tto fork: 
T. R. DAWLEY. PUBT.ISHER. 

13 & 15 PARK BOW, N. Y. 



DaTvley^s Xen-lPenny Novels.— IS" uinber 1. 

THE TWO RIVALS. 

mROM THE ir-RENCH OW KMilLE! eOTJVKSTRK. 

The Terj name of French novel may conjure up ideas equally alarming with that 
of French cookery. Whether w« shall be regaled with " fillet of a feuny-snake," in- 
stead of fillet of sole ; whether an oyster-fed aat can be ingeniously made to represent 
rabbit ; or, a poodle nourished on sponge-cake transformed into the similitude of 
pheasant. Admitting that much French literature is, like sausage-rolls, light and 
disappoin'ing ; granting that Dumas is wild, Paul de Kock licentious, and ^ue too 
often prolific of horrors — it by no means follow that the same soil whieh sends forth 
bristle and brier, may not breed celandine and daisy. 

IDaTvley's Xen-Penny HSTovels.— Nuinber 2. 

DARE-DEVIL DICK. 

This is a most singular story of a young man who was cursed by the power of gold, 
haying had an immense fortune placed to hi.s credit in a Bank, by a m''steriounindi' 
vidual unknown to him; after wUich he became associated with gamblers and bad 
men, by whom he became involved ia a <inel; was wounded ; became a wanderer ; was 
impressed into the British Navy, where his areer commences as Darb-Dbvii. Dick, a 
dauntless sailor, and one of the most daring, we might say reckless fighting men in the 
British Navy, through whose means the " Santissima," a Spanish corvette was oap- 
tured. loaded with an amount of doubloons, mordores, and pieces of Eight that wo«.ld 
be astonishing even to people of our own day. 



tJ' 



Dav^ley's Ten-^Peniiy Novels.— N -amber 3. 

THE FREEBOOTER'S PRIZE. 

The above tale is one of the m(«t truthful rind exciting which h.is ever charact- 
erised the adventures of any I'ast M.ddv of the British nivy. The adventurer having 
aomein com|)aiative poverty ; his enli.stiui-nt U|.ion a war vessel; his deeertion; join- 
■g his foituue upon the dvck i>f a pirate ; hi.s re-le.sert ou . his next apj.earancf upon 
a merchantman; the merch:iutraan's fi^ht with the pirate; the Quaker Captain; the 
'Captain de juene ; his tremHudous fighting ; the ch-ise ; final .-apture of the piratn. and 
marriage of the hero, concludes (ine nt the most daring tales that lias ever been r«. 
corded upon paper, and which excites the admiration of nil. 



OaAvley's Ten-I*eiinv IsTovels.— IS umber 4. 

SFEAKIITG RIFLE; 

tmh: iNDiiVisr slayer. 

The scenes of this wild and singular story are laid upon the broa'Va^id expand- 
ing prairies and forests of the Far VVe>t. Spkakino Kifi.k, or I hb Indiak Slatbk i« 
a wild and singular hing— a most uiirel.-nting foe to tliM Indian Race, thousands oi 
whom he de.-troyed -single-handed while avenging the deaili of his murdered pa- 
r«\t8. At the same time he never reeked his veugenotf upon the women and the aged. 

■ : Ask any Newsdealer for a Copy of Dawley's Ten-Penny Novels, 

»RICE, 10 CTS., MAILED POSTPAID. — T. R. DAWLEY. PcouaHKft, Nbw Tob». 



OLD ABE'S JOKES. 



FRESH FROM 



A.B n a.ha.m:'s bosom: 



CONTAINING ALL US ISSUEt, 



i*x:x.cji.jpTi]sra- the "aREENBAOKS," 



TO CALL IN SOME OP WHIC^ 



THIS WORK IS ISSUED. 



NEW YOEK: 

T. R. DAWLEY, PUBLISHER, 

13 & 15 Park Row. 



Old Abe's Jokes, says the iVew York Herald, "are tne essence ot 
President's Lincoln's life." They will be read by everybody, con- 
taining as they do all the Jests and SqinBS of Father Abraham. 

Notice : — Many of these Jokes, Jests and Squibs, contained in this 
work, never before appeared in print, being fresh from the National 
Joker's lips, and are entered according to Act of Congress ; hence, 
parties publishing them without crediting to thig work, will be liabi>j 
to prosecution. 



.99 



MITERED ACCORDINS TO ACT OP CONGRESS, IN THE TEAR 1864, BY 
O?. R. . UAWLBY, 

n THE clerk's office OP THE DISTRICT COURT OF THE UNITED STATESi 
FOB THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORE. 



T. R. Dawley, Stereotyper, Steam Book, Job and Newspaper Printer 
and Publisher, No. 13 and 15 Park Row, N. Y. 



^sg' 



ir 



Father Abraham's Boyhood, Pots and Kettles, Dutch Ovens, Frying 
Pans, yEsops Fables, Rail-Splitting, &c., Ac- 



Abraham Lincoln was born in Hardin county, Kentucky, 
m the year 1809. His parents were poor, and lived in a 
log-house " without a floor, furnished with lour or five three- 
legged stools, pots, kettles, a spider, Dutch oven, and some- 
thing that answered for a bed." They were both members 
of the Baptist church, the mother being represented as a 
whole-hearted Christian of godly example and precept. 
She could read but could not write. The father was not 
BO highly endowed by nature as his wife, but was superior 
in most respects to his neighbors. He could write his name 
but could not read at all. 

Abraham was seven years old when he was sent to 
school, for the first time, to one Hazel, who came to live in 
the neighborhood. There were no schools nor school-houses 



22 OLD abe's jokes, 

in the region, and few of the people could read. But this 
Hazel could read and write ; but beyond this he made a 
poor figure. For a small sum he taught a few children at 
his house, and Abraham was one of the number. His 
parents were so anxious that he should know how to read 
and write, tliat they managed to save enough out of their 
penury to send him to school a few weeks. They considered 
Abraham a remarkable boy. 

Every day he posted away with the old spelling-book to 
Hazel's cabin, where he tried as hard to learn as any boy 
who ever studied his Ab's. He carried his book home at 
night and puzzled his active brain over what he had learned 
during the day. He cared for nothing but his book. His 
.highest ambition was to learn to read as well as his mother 
could. As she gathered the family, and read the bible to 
them each day, and particularly as she read it upon the 
Sabbath much of the time, he almost envied her the blessed 
privilege of reading. He longed foi the day to come when 
he could read aloud from that revered volume. Beyond 
that privilege he did not look. To be able to read waa 
boon enough for him, without looking for anything be- 
yond. 

Young Abraham received the most excellent moral teach- 
ings from his mother who was accustomed to read the Bible 
gularly to her family. 

Her reading was not confined to the Old Testament, 
nor to thenarrative portions of the Bible. She understood 
the gospel because she had a Christian experience that was 
marked. She was a firm, consistent disciple of the Lord 
Jesus, and was qualified thereby to expound the scriptures. 
The story of the Cross, as it is recorded in the 27th chap- 



PRKSH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 23 

tcr of Matthew, was read over at the fire-side, accom- 
panied "with many remarks that were suited to impress the 
minds of her children. 

The Ten Commandments were made an important mat- 
ter in the Sabbath lessons, and Abraham was drilled in re- 
peating tliem, were pressed upon his attention namely, (III) 
' Thou shalt not take name of the Lord thy God in vain • 
for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his 
name in vain. (IV.) Remember the Sabbath day to keep 
it holy.' (V.) ' Honor thy father and thy mother, that 
thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord hath 
giveth thee.' (IX.) 'Thou shalt not bear false witness 
against thy neighbor.' 

'In this way many Sabbaths of Abraliam's boyhood were 
spent, so that he became familiar with the Bible. For a 
boy of his age, he was excelled by i'ow in his acquaintance 
with the Scriptures. The Bible, catechism, and the old 
spelling-book named, being the only books in the family at 
this time, as we have said, and there being no papers, either 
religious or secular, tl.e Bible was read much more than it 
would have been if other volumes had been possessed. It 
was the first book that Abraham ever read — that same old 
family Bible, kept very choice because their poverty 
could not afford another. It was the only bible that his 
mother ever possessed, her life treasure, to which she was 
more indebted, and perhaps, also, her son Abraham, than 
any other influence. It was certainly the light of her 
dwelling, and the most powerful educator that ever entered 
her family. 

That same Bible is still in the possession of a relative in 
the state of Illinois. 



24 OLD abe's jokes, 

When Abraham was about eight years old, his father, 
preferring to live in a free State, sold his farm for a lot of 
whiskey (most of which he lost in moving), and emigrated 
te Spencer county, Indiana. Here, miles from any neigh- 
bor, he opened his new settlement and built himself a cabin, 
almost the counterpart of the one they had left in Ken- 
tucky. About the end o' their first year's residence in 
Indiana, affliction came upon the household in the shape ol 
the death of Mrs. Lincoln. About this time, too, Abra- 
ham's literary treasures were enlarged by the acquisition 
of the Pilgrim's Progress and JE sop's Fables. 

He read it over and over until he could repeat almost 
the entire contents of the volume. He was interested in 
the moral lesson that each fable taught, and derived there- 
from many valuable hints that he carried with him through 
life. On the whole he spent more time over JEJ sop's Fables 
than he did over Pilgrim's Progress, although he was really 
charmed by the latter. But there was a practical turn to 
the Fub.'es that interested him, and he could easily recollect 
the stories. Perhaps this early familiarity with this book 
laid the foundations for that facility at apt story-telling 
which has distinguished him from his youth. It is easy to 
see how such a volume might beget and foster a taste in 
this direction. 

He was also so fortunate as to find a writing-master. 

Abraham was awkward enough in the use of the pen at 
first ; but he soon overcame this difficulty, and exhibited 
unusual judgment for a boy in the formation of letters. — 
When he had learned how to form a letter, he practiced 
upon it in various ways. With a bit of chalk he would 
cut them on pieces of slabs and on the trunks of trees; and 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOH. 

more than once the tops of the stools in tlie cabin and tlaa 
puncheon-table served him in lieu of a writing-book. His 
latiicr was too poor to provide him with all the paper ne- 
cessary (or his scribbling, and so he resorted to these va- 
rious expedients. The end of a charred stick wa.s used as 
a pencil sometimes to accomplish his object, and it enabled 
him to cut letters with considerable facility. 

We have not space to follow Abraham during the course 
of his life in Indiana. We pass on to the removal of the 
family to Illinois and to the celebrated splitting of the 
rails. 

They accomplished the journey from Spencer county, In- 
diana, to Decatur, Illinois, in fifteen days. The spot se- 
lected for their home was on the north side of the Sanga- 
mon River, about 10 miles west of Decatur, a spot wisely 
chosen, because it was at the junction of the timber and 
prairie lands. 

A log house was immediately erected, in the building of 
which Abraham acted a conspicuous part. Ten acres of 
prairie land were selecttd, and the sods were broken for a 
crop of corn. 

« That must be fenced a:; once,' said Abraham. 

« And you'll have to split the rails, if it is done/ replied 
his father. 

*That I can do, as I am used to it; but I don't expect to 
split rails for a living all my days.' 

' I hope you won't have to. When we get things under 
way, you can seek your fortin' somewhere else.' 

' I haven't made up my mind as to that. There will ba 
time enough for that when the ten acres are fenced in.' 

* We shall have enough to do this summer to break up 



OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

and plar.t ten acres of corn, and take care of it, and fenco 
the lot. But who ever saw such land as this '? The half 
was not told us.' Mr. Lincoln was surpr^ed at the rich- 
ness of the lands ; and, in all respects, he was jjleascd with 
the change of residence. 

* There can be no better farming land than this,' answer- 
ed Abraham, ' and it ain't half the work to cultivate these 
prairie lands. And I am just the hand to fence them, as I 
have swung the axes so much.' 

' Yes, you can do it better than I can, and a great deal 
quicker ; so 3'ou may go at it as soon as you please.' 

Accordingly, Abraham proceeded to split the rails for 
the ten acre lot. These are the rails about which so much 
was said in the late Presidential campaign. ' Their exist- 
ence,' says Mr. Scripps, ' was brought to the public atten- 
tion during the sitting of the Republican State Convention, 
at Decatur, on which occasion a banner, attached to two 
of these rails, and bearing an appropriate inscription was 
brought into the assemblage and formally presented to that 
body, amid a scene of unparalleled enthusiasm. After that 
they were in demand in every State of the Union in which 
free labor is honored, where they were borne in processions 
of the people, and hailed by hundreds of thousands of free- 
men, as a symbol of triumph, and as a glorious vindication 
of freedom, and of the rights and the dignity of free labor. 
These, however, were far from being the first or only rails 
made by Lincoln. He was a practiced hand at the busi- 
ness. His first lessons were taken while yet a boy in In- 
diana. Some of the rails made by him in that State h.'vve 
been clearly identified. The writer has seen a cane, now 
iu the possession of Mr. Lincoln, made by one of hi^ '^Id 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 27 

acquaintances, from one of those rails split by his own 
hands in boyhood.' 

Shortly after the removal to Illinois, Abraham left his 
home to look out for himself. He found a comfortable 
place with a family living near Petersburg, Menard county, 
where, as was the case wherever he lived, he acquired the 
esteem of all. 

The young people who became acquainted with him gave 
him their confidence without hesitation. They believed 
him to be a conscientious, upright young man. For this 
reason, they referred the settlement of dispute to him. 
They had confidence in his judgment as well as his honesty. 
Different sorts of games were in vogue at that time, and 
running matches and horse-racings, and if Abraham was 
present, one party or the other was sure to make liim their 
judge. Two years later, while he was living in New Salem, 
he shared the confidence of all to such an extent that both 
parties, in the aforesaid amusements, were wont to choose 
him for their judge. In all cases, too, there was the ut- 
most satisfaction shown in his decisions. 

It Avas at this period of his life that he was christened 
* Honest Abe.' It was so unusual for the same p(H"son to 
act as judge for both of the contending parties, and it 
was expressive of so much confidence in his character 
that by conmion consent he came to be known as ' Honest 
Abe.' 

o 

Father Abraham a D!sciple of " Father Matthew." 
When Gen. Hooker was ordered to join Gen. Grant at 
Chattanooga, the president advised him to avoid ^Bourbon' 
county, when passing through Iveutucky. 



OLD ABE'S JOKES, 



An Englishman's Portraits of Old Abe 

' To say that he is ugly, is nothing ; to add that his fig- 
ure is grotesque, is to convey no adequate impression.-r- 
Fancy a man six feet high, and then out of proportion ; 
with long bony arms and legs, which somehow seem to be 
always in the way ; with great rugged furrowed hands, 
which grasp you like a vice when shaking yours ; with a 
long snaggy neck, and a chest too narrow for the great 
arms at its side. Add to this figure a head cocoa-nut 
shaped and somewhat too small for such a stature, covered 
with rough, uncombed and uncomable hair, that stands out 
in every direction at once ; a face furrowed, wrinkled and 
indented, as though it had been scarred by vitrol ; a high 
narrow forehead ; and sunk deep beneath bushy eyebrows, 
two briglit, dreamy eyes, that seem to gaze through you 
without looking at you ; a few irregular blotches of black 
bristly hair, in the place where beard and whiskers ought 
to grow ; a close-set, thin-lipped, stern mouth, with two 
rows of large white teeth, and a nose and ears which have 
been taken by mistake from a head of twice the size. — 
Clothe this figure, then, in a long, tight, badly-fitting suit 
of black, creased, soiled and puckered up at every salient 
point of the figure (and every point of this figure is salient) 
put on large, ill-fitting boots, gloves too long for the long 
bony fingers, and a fluflfy hat, covered to the top with 
dusty, puffy crape ; and then add to this an air of strength, 
physical as well as moral, and a strange look of dignity 
coupled with all this grotesqueness ; and you will have the 
impression left upon me by Abraham Lincoln.' 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 29 



An American's Portrait cf Father Abraham. 

In character and culture ho is a fair representative of 
llip avcrag-e American. His awlcward speech and yet more 
awkward silence, his uncouth manners, self-taught and 
partly forgotten, his style miscellaneous, concreted from 
the best authors, like a reading book, and yet oftentiniea 
of Saxon force and classic purity ; his argument, his logic 
a joke ; both unseasonable at times and irresistable always ; 
his questions answers, and his answers questions ; his 
gue&ses prophecies, and fullillment ever beyond his proDi- 
ise ; honest yet shrewd ; simple yet retiscent ; heavy yet 
energetic ; never despairing, never sanguine ; careless in 
forms, conscientious in essentials ; never sacrificing a good 
servant once trusted ; never deserting a good principle 
once adopted ; not afraid of new ideas, nor despising old 
ones; improving opportunities to confess mistakes, ready 
to learn, getting at facts, doing nothing when he knows 
not what to do ; hesitating at nothing when he sees the 
right; lacking the recognized qualifications of a party 
leader, and leading his party as no other man can ; sus- 
taining his political enemies in Missouri in their defeat, 
sustaining his political friends in Maryland to their victo- 
ry ; conservative in his sympathies and radical iu his acts, 
Socratic in his style and Baconian in his method ; his reli- 
gion consisting in truthfulness, temperance : asking good 
people to pray for him, and publicly acknowledging in 
events the hand of God, yet he stands before you as the 
type of ' Brother Jonathan,' a not perfect man and yet 
more precious than fine gold.' 



30 OLD ABE'S J0KE8, 



The President In Society. 

' On the occasion when the writer had the honor of 
meeting the President, the company was a small one, Avith 
most of whom he was personally acquainted. He was 
Diuch at his ease. There was a look of depression about 
his face, which was habitual to him even before his child'a 
death. It was strange to me to Avitncss the perfect terms 
of equality on which he appeared to be with everybody. 
Occasionally some of his interlocutors called to him : ' Mr. 
President,' but the habit was to address him simply as: 'Sir.* 
It v/as not, indeed, till we were introduced to him that 
we were aware that the President was one of the company. 
He talked little, and seemed to prefer others talking to 
him to talking himself ; but, when ho spoke, his remarks 
were always shrewd and sensible. You would never say 
he was a gentleman ; you would still less say he was not 
one. There are some women about whom no one ever 
thinks in connection with beauty one way or the other; 
and there are men to whom the epithet of gentleman-like 
or ungcntleraan-like appears utterly incongruous ; and of 
such Mr. Lincoln is one. Still there is about him an ut- 
ter absence of pretension, and an evident desire to be cour- 
teous to everybody, which is the essence, if not the outward 
form, of good breeding. There is a softness, too, ab( ut 
his smile, and a sparkle of dry humor about his eye, which 
redeem the expression of his face, and remind us more of 
the late Dr. Arnold, as a child's recollection recalls him, 
th:m of any face we can call to mind. 
The conversation, like that of all American oflBcial men 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 31 

we have met with, was unrestrained in the presence of 
Btrangors, to a degree perfectly astonishing. Any remarks 
that we heard made, as to the present state of affiairs, we 
do not feel at liberty to repeat, though really every public 
man here appears not only to live in a glass house, but in 
a reverberating gallery, and to be absolutely indiflerent as 
to who sees or hears him. Tnere are a few ' Lincolnisms,' 
however, which we may fairly quote, and which will show 
the style of his conversation. Some of the party began 
Braoking, and our host remarked, laughingly, ' The Presi- 
dent has got no vices : he neither smokes nor drinks.' 'That 
is a doubtful compliment,' answered the President * I re- 
collect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man 
sitting by me oflfered me a cigar. I told him I had no 
vices. He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then 
grunted out, ' its my experience that folks who have no 
vices have plaguy few virtues.' Agsiin a gentleman pres- 
ent was telling how a friend of his had been driven away 
from New Orleans as a Unionist, and how, on his expul- 
Bion, when he asked to see the writ by which he was ex- 
pelled, the deputation which called on him told him that 
the Government had made up their minds to do nothing il- 
legal, and so they had issued no illegal writs, and simply 
meant to make him go of his own free will. « Well,' said 
Mr. Lincoln, ' that reminds me of a hotel keeper down at 
St. Louis, who boasted he never had a death in his hotel, 
for whenever a guest was dying in his house he carried him 
out to die in the street.' 



32 OLD abe's jokes, 



Mr. Lincoln's Daily Life. 

« Mr. Lincoln is an early riser, and lie thus is able to de- 
vote two or three hours each morning to liis v>luniiiiou3 
private correspondence, besides glancing at a city paper. 
At nine he breakfasts — then walks over to the war office, 
to read such war telegrams as they give him, (occasionally 
some are withheld,) and to have a chat with General Ilal- 
leck on the military situation, in which he takes a great in- 
terest. Returning to the -white house, he goes through 
with his morning's mail, in company with a private secre- 
tary, who makes a minute of the reply which he is to make 
— and others the President retains, that he may answer 
them himself. Every letter receives attention, and all 
which are entitled to a reply receive one uo matter how 
they are worded, or how inelegant the chirography may be. 

Tuesday and Fridays are cabinet days, but on other 
days visitors at the white house are requested to wait in 
the anti-chamber, and send in their cards. Sometimes, 
before the President has finished reading his mail Louis 
will have a handful of pasteboard, and from the cards laid 
before him Mr. Lincoln has visitors ushered in, giving pre- 
cedence to acquaintances. Three or four hours do they 
pour in, in rapid succession, nine out of ten asking offices, 
and patiently does the president listen to their application. 
Care and anxiety have furrowed his rather homely features, 
yet occasionally he is 'reminded of an anecdote' and good 
humored glances beam from his clear, grey eyes, while his 
rinojing laugh shows that he is not ' used up' yet. The 



FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 83 

simple and natural manner in which he delivers his 
thouglits makes him appear to those visiting him like an 
earnest, affectionate friend. He makes little parade of 
his le2:al science, and rarely indulges in speculative propo- 
sitions, but states his ideas in plain Angle-saxon, illumina- 
ted by Many lively images and pleasing allusions, which 
seem to f.ow as if in obedience to a resistless impulse of 
his nature. Some newspaper admirer attempts to deny 
that the President tells stories. Why, it is rarely that any 
one is in his company for fifteen minutes without hearing a 
good tale, appropriate to the subject talked about. Many 
a metaphysical argument does he demolish by simply telling 
an anecdote, which exactly overturns the verbal structure. 
About four o'clock the President declines seeing any 
more company, and often accompanies his wife in her car- 
riage to take a drive. He is iond of horseback exercises 
and when passing the summers' home used generally to go 
in the saddle. The President dines at six, and it is rare 
that some personal friends do not grace the round dining 
tabic where he throws off the cares of office, and reminds 
those who have been in Kentucky of the old school gentle- 
man who used to dispense generous hospitality there. — 
From the dinner table the party ret-ire to the crimson draw- 
ing room, where coffee is served, and where the President 
passes the evening, unless some dignitary has a special iu- 
tcrview. Such is the almost unvarying daily life of Abra- 
ham Lincoln, whose administration will rank next in im- 
portance to that of Washington in our national annals.' 



34 OLD aee's jokes, 



Personal Habits of the President, 

Those who know the habits of President Lincoln aro 
not surprised to hear of his personal visit to some general, 
nor would any such be astonished to know that lie was in 
New York at any time. If he wanted to see anything or 
anybody, he would be as likely to come on as to send. He 
has an orbit of his own, and no one can tell where he will 
be or what he will do, from anything done yesterday. If 
he wants a newspaper he is quite as likely to go out and 
j^et it as he is to send after it. If he want's to see the Sec- 
retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call, 
retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call. — 
At night, from ton to twelve, he usually makes a tour all 
around — now at Seward's and then at Halleck's ; and if 
Burnside was nearer, he would see him each night before 
he went to bed. Those who know his habits and want to 
Bee him late at night, follow him round from place to placcj 
and the last search generally brings him up at Gen. Hal- 
leck's, as he can get the latest army intelligence there. — ■ 
Whoever else is asleep or indolent the President ia wide 
awake and around. 

Beneath all the playfulness of his mind burns a solemn 
earnestness of patriotism; amid his prudence a great cour- 
age ; in all his gentleness and compliance a determined 
grasp of the reins, and a firmness net inferior to General 
Jackson's, though without its passion and caprice. He is 
p, wise, true, sagacious, earnest and formidable leader.' 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 35 



Several Little Stories, 
BY AND ABOUT PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 

« It "wonld be hardly necessary to inform the nation that 
oar President, in the midst of the anxieties of a state of 
war that continually torture his mind, is wont to find oc- 
casional relief in an appropriate anecdote or well-turned 
jest. 

No man, says Mrs. Stowe, has suffered more and deeper, 
albeit with a dry, weary, patient pain, that seemed to some 
like insensibility, than President Lincoln. ' Whichever 
way it ends,' he said to the writer, ' I have the impression 
that I shan't last much longer after it is over.' 

After the dreadful repulse of Fredericksburg, he is re- 
ported to have said ; ' If there is a man out of Hell that 
suffers more than I do, I pity him.* In those dark daya 
his heavy eyes and worn and weary air told how our re- 
verses wore upon him, and yet there was a never-failing 
fund of patience at the bottom, that sometimes rose to the 
surface in some droll, quaint saying or story, that forced a 
laugh even from himself. 



-o- 



Old Abe Consulting the Spirits. 
A Washington correspondent of the Boston Saturday 
Evening Gazette, gives the following account of a spiritual 
manifestation at the White House : 

* A few evenings since Abraham Lincoln, the President 
of the United States^ was induced to give a Spiritual soiree 
in the crimson room at the White House, to test the won. 



36 OLD abe's jokes, 

dcrM alleofcd supernatural powers of Mr. Charles E. 
Shockle. It was my good fortune as a friend of the medi- 
um, to be present, the party consisting of the President, 
Mrs. Lincoln, Mr. Welles, Mr. Stanton, Mr. L., of New- 
York, and j\Ir. F., of Philadelpliia. We took our seats in 
Uic circle about eight o'clock, but the President was called 
away sliortly after the manifestations commenced, and the 
spirits, which had apparently assembled to convince him of 
their power, gave visible tokens of their displeasure at 
the President's absence, by pinching Mr. Stanton's ears 
and twitching Mr. Welles' beard. The President soon re- 
turned, but it was some time before harmony was restored, 
for the mishaps to the Secretaries caused such bursts of 
laughter, that the influence was very unpropitious. For 
Bomc half hour the demonstrations were of a physical char- 
acter — tables were moved, and a picture of Henry Clay, 
which hangs on the wall, was swa3'ed more than a foot, and 
two canciclab.-as, presented by the Dey of Algiers to Pres- 
ident Adams, were twice raised nearly to the ceiling. 

It was nearly nine o'clock before Shockle was fully under 
spiritual influence, and so powerful were the subsequent 
reani Testations that twice during the evening restoratives 
were applied, for he was much weakened, and though I 
took no notes, I shall endeavor to give you as faithful an 
account as possible of what took place. 

Loud rappings about nine o'clock were heard directly 
beneath the President's feet, and Mr. Shockle stated that 
an Indian desired to communicate. 

' Well, sir,' said the President, ' I should be happy to 
hear what his Indian majesty has to say. We have recent- 
ly had a visitation from our red brethren, and it was the 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 37 

only delegation, black, white or blue, wliicli did not volun- 
teer some advice about the conduct of tlie war.' 

The medium then called for pencil and paper, and they 
were laid upon the table in sight of all. A liandkerchief 
was tlien taken from Mr. Stanton, and the materials were 
carefully concealed from sight. In less space of time than 
it iias required me to write this, knocks were heard, and 
the paper was uncovered. To the surprise of all present, 
it read as follows : 

" Haste makes waste, but delays cause vexations. Give 
vitality by energy. Use every means to subdue. Frocla- 
mations are useless. Make a bold front and light the enemy, 
leave traitors at home to the care of the loyal men. Less 
note of preparation, less parade and policy-talk and more 
action. Henry Knox." 

'That is not Indian talk, Mr. Shockle,' said the Presi- 
dent. ' Who is Henry Knox ?' 

I suggested to the medium to ask who General Knox 
was, and before the words were from my lips, the medium 
Bpoke in a strange voice, ' The first Secretary qf War.' 

' Oh, yes, General Knox,' said the President, who turn- 
ing to the Secretary, said, ' Stanton, that message is for 
you — it is from your predecessor.' 

Mr. Stanton made no reply. 

' I should like to ask General Knox,' said the President, 
* if it is ^vithin the scope of his ability to tell us when this 
rebellion will be put down.' 

In the same manner as before this message was received: 

' Washington, Lafayette, Franklin, Wilberforce, Napo- 
leoa and myself have held frequent consultations upon this 



38 OLD abe's jokes, 

point. There is something which our spiritual eyes cannot 
detect which prevents rapid consummation of plans which 
appear well formed. Evil has come at times by removal 
of men from high positions, and there are those in retire- 
ment whose abilities should be made useful to hasten the 
end. Napoleon says concentrate your forces upon one 
point, Lafayette thinks that the rebellion will die of ex- 
haustion, Franklin sees the end approaching as the South 
must give up for want of mechanical ability to compete 
against Northern mechanics, Wilberforce sees hope only in 
a negro army. Knox.' 

< Well,' exclaimed the President, < opinions differ among 
the saints as well as among the sinners. They don't seem 
to understand running the machine among the celestials 
much better than we do. Their talk and advice sound very 
much like the talk of my cabinet — don't you think so Mr. 
Welles ?' 

' Well, I don't know — I will think the matter over and 
see what conclusions I arrive at.' 

Heavy raps were heard and the alphabet was called for 
when « That's -what's the matter' was spelled out. 

There was a shout of laughter, and Mr. Welles stroked 
his beard. 

' That means, Mr. Welles,' said the President, « that you 
are apt to be long-winded, and think the nearest way home 
is the longest round. Short cuts in war times. I wish 
the spirits would tell us how to catch the Alabama.' 

The lights which had been partially lowered almost in- 
stantaneously become so dim that I could not see sufiBcient- 
ly to distinguish the features of any one in the room, and 
on the large mirror over the mantel-pcice tlicre appeared 



/ 



FRESH FKOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 3§ 

the most beautiful thougli supernatural picture eye ever be- 
held. It represented a sea-yiew, the Alabama with all 
steam up flying from the pursuit of another large steamer. 
Two merchantmen in the distance were seen partially des- 
troyed by fire. The picture changed and the Alabama was 
Been at anchor under the shadow of an English fort — from 
which an English flag was flying. The Alabama was 
floating idly, not a soul on board, and no signs of life vi^ 
ible about her. 

The picture vanished and in letters of purple appeared, 
' The English people demand this of England's aristo- 
cracy.' 

' So England is to seize the Alabama finally V said the 
President. 'It may be possible, but Mr. "Welles, don*t 
let one gunboat or one monitor less be built.' 

The spirits again called for the alphabet, and again 

* That's what's the matter' was spelt out. 

« I see, I see,' said the President. * Mother England 
thinks that what's sauce for the goose may be sauce for 
the gander. It may be tit, tat, too hereafter But it is 
not very complimentary to our Navy anyhow.' 

* We've done our best, Mr. President,' said Mr. Welles 

* I'm maturing a plan, which, when perfected, 1 tiiink if it 
works well, will be a perfect trap for the Alabama.' 

' Well, Mr. Shockle,' remarked the President, ' I have 
seen strange things and heard rather odd remarks but 
nothing which convinces me, except the pictures, that there 
is anything very heavenly about all this. I should like 
if possible, to hear what Judge Douglas says about this 
war.' 

* I'll try to get his spirit,' said Mr. Shockle, ' but it 



OLD ABES JOKES, 

Bometimes happens, as it did to-night in the case of the 
Indian, that though first impressed by one spirit, I yield 
to another more powerful. If perfect silence is maintain- 
ed, I will see if we cannot induce General Knox to send 
for Mr. Douglas.' 

Three raps were given, signifying assent to the proposi- 
tion. Perfect silence was maintained, and after an in- 
terval of perhaps three minutes, Mr. Shock le rose quickly 
from his chair and stood behind it, resting his left arm on 
the back, his right thrust into his bosom. In a voice such 
as no one could mistake who had ever heard Mr. Douglas, 
he spoke. I shall not pretend to quote the language. It 
was eloquent and choice. He urged the President to throw 
aside all advisers who hesitated about the policy to be pur- 
sued, and to listen to the wishes of the people, who would 
sustain him at all points, if his aim was, as he believed it 
was, to restore the Union. He said there were Burrs and 
Blenderhassetts still living, but that they would wither 
before the popular approval, which would follow one or 
two victories, such as he thought must take place ere long. 
The turning point in this war will be the proper use of 
these victories ; if wicked men in the first hours of suc- 
cess think it time to devote their attention to party, the 
war will be prolonged, but if victory is followed up by 
energetic action all will he well. 

<■ I believe that,' said the President, « whether it comes 
from spirit (5r human.' 

Mr. Shockle was much prostrated after this, and at Mrs. 
Lincoln's request it was thought best to adjourn the seanco 
sine die. 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 41 



" Too Cussed Dirty." 

The following story is often told of Father Abraham 
about two contrabands, servants of General Kelly and 
Capt. George Harrison. When the General and his staff 
were on their way up the mountains they stopped at a 
little village to get something to eat. They persuaded 
the occupant of the farm-house to cook them a meal, and 
in order to expedite matters, sent the two contrabands 
mentioned to assist iu preparing the repast. After it was 
over the General told the negroes to help tuemselve?. 
An hour or two afterward he observed them gnawing 
away at some hard crackers and flitch. 

' Why didn't you eat your dinner at the village V 
asked the General of one of them. 

' Well, to tell the God's trufe. General, it wos too cus- 
sed dirty !' was the reply. 



Old Abe on Bayonets. 

* You can't do anything with them Southern fellows, 
the old gentleman at the table was saying. ' If they get 
whipped they'll retreat to them Southern swamps aud 
bayous along with the fishes and crocodiles. You haven't 
got tiie fish-nets made that'll catch 'em.' 'Look here, old 
gentleman !' screamed old Abe, who was sitting along side 
* We've got just the nets for traitors, in the bayous or 
anywhere. •IJoy? — what nets?' ^ Bayou.nets ?" and 
Abraham pointed his joke with a fork, spearing a fishball 
savagely. 



49 OLD ABE's .TO!v'^'^. 



Old Abe as a Mathemafician. 

Mr. Lincoln has a very effective way sometimes of deal- 
ing with men who trouble him with questions. Somebody 
asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. He 
replied very seriously, 'Twelve hundred thousand, accord- 
ing to the best authority.' The interrogator blanched in 
the face, and ejaculated < My God!' 'Yes, sir, twelve 
hundred thousand— no doubt of it. You see, all of our 
Generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnum- 
bers them from three or five to one, and I must believe 
them. We have four hundred thousand men in the field, 
and three times four make twelve. Don't you see it ?' 
The inquisitive man looked for his hat soon after ' seeii g 
it' 



Father Abe on the Wooden-legged Amateur. 

Old Abe, once reminded of the enormous cost of the 
war, remarked, ah, yes ! that reminds me of a wooden 
legged amateur who Happened to be with a Virginia skir- 
mishing party when a shell burst near him, smashing his 
artificial limb to bits, and sending a piece of iron through 
the calf of a soldier near him. The soldier ' grinned and 
bore it' like a man, while the amateur was loud and em- 
phatic in his lanentution. Being rebuked by the wound- 
ed soldier, he replied : ' Oh, yes ; its all well enough for 
you to bear it. Your leg didn't cost you anything, and 
will heal up ; out I paid two hundred dollars for mine !' 



PRESH PROM ABRAMAMS BOSOM. 43 



Lincoln Teaching tha Soldier's How to Surrender arms. 

As the members of one of our volunteer companies were 
being practiced in the musket-drill, a gentleman, who, 
al though not of the corps, was acting as Lieutenant for 
the day, said : ' I will teach you the manner of surrender- 
ing arms, so in case you ever liave to do it, you will know 
how to do it gracefully.' Mr. Lincoln standing near, im- 
mediately responded: 'Hold on. Lieutenant; I'll teach 
thetn that myself.' Ho seized a musket from a soldier 
standing near, and raised it to his shoulder a moment, as 
if in the act of firing upon an enemy ; then letting it drop 
from Ids hand, he imitated the action of a man shot 
through the heart, staggered heavily forward, and fell 
upon the piece. He sprang up again in a moment and 
cried ; 'That's the way to surrender arms!' A tremen- 
dous shout broke from the ranks. ' That's the kind we 
learn — surrender and die at the same time ; never mind 
the ffrace of it. And the ' crrace of it' was discarded.' 



Abe's Curiosity. 

Father Abraham says he lately discovered in an old 
drawer which had not been opened for years, a remarka- 
ble silver coin, which had on one side a head with the 
word ' Liberty' surrounded by thirteen stars, and the date 
18(K>. On the opposite was an eagle with the motto 
< E IMuribus Ui^am,' the words ' United States of Ameri- 
ca,' and the figures « 10c !' 



OLD ARTY'S JOKES, 



Lincoln Agreeably Disappointed. 

Mr. Lincoln, as the highest public oflSccr of the nation 
is necessarily very much bored by all sorts of people call- 
in*; upon him. 

An officer of the Government called one day at the 
Wliite House, and introduced a clerical friend. ' Mr 
President,' said he, < allow me to present to you my friend 

the Rev. Mr. F. of . Mr. F. has expressed a desire 

to see you and have some conversation with you, and I am 
ha])py to be the means of introducing him.' The Presi- 
dent shook hands with Mr. F., and desiring him to be 
seated took a seat himself. Then — his countenance hav- 
ing assumed an uir of patient waiting — he said; 'Tarn 
now ready to bear what you have to say.' ' 0, bless you, 
sir,' said Mr. F., ' I have nothing especially to say, I mere- 
ly called to pay my respects to you, and, as one of the 
million, to assure you of my hearty sympathy and support.' 
* My dear sir,' said the President, rising promptly — his 
face showing instant relief, and with both hands grasping 
that of his visitor, ' I am very glad to see you, indeed. I 
thought you had come to preach to me !' 



Secesh Lady. 

A Secesh lady of Alexandria, who was ordered away 
into Dixie by the Government, destroyed all her furniture 
and cut down her trees, so that the ' cursed Yankees' should 
not enjoy them. Lincoln hearing of this, the order was 
countermanded, and she returned to see in her broken 
penates, the folly of her conduct. 



L 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 45 

One of Abe's Last. — ■« I cant say for certain who will 
be t!io people's choice for President, but to the best of my 
belief it will be the successful candidate.' 



The following, although not belonging to Father Abe. 
is not so bad : 

Gen. Hindman's mode of financiering. 

Gen. Hindman, had resolved to go into the neighboring 
State of Arkansas, determined to raise a forced loan of 
one million dollars from the banks of Mempliis, four in 
number. None of the moneyed inhabitants gave very 
cheerful accord to the demand. The President of one of 
them hesitated some time, and finally told the General that 
he could not accommodate him. 

' I must have it,' said the general. 

« By what authority do you demand it ?' asked the bank 
president. 

' By the authority of the sword,' replied Hindman. 

< Of course I cannot resist that,' said the financial man. 

'I sliould think not,' responded the rebel commander. 

And so it turned out. Tlie money was taken out of the 
bank vaults by a party of rebel soldiers detailed by Hind- 
man for that purpose. 



<I feel patriotic,' said an old rowdy. 'What do you 
mean by feeling patrioiic ?' inquired the President, who 
wa.s standing by. ' Why, I feel as if I wanted to kill 
somebody or steal something.' « The Tennessee authori- 



46 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

ties felt the same kind of patriotisna on the Fourth of 
July; and as they didn't like to venture upon killing any 
body ; they stole the trains of the Louisville and Nash- 
ville RaUroad. 



I 
Old Abe's story of New Jersey. 

One terribly stormy night in bleak December, a United 
States vessel was wrecked ofif the coast of Jersey, anj 
every soul save one, went down with the doomed craft. 
This one survivor seized a floating spar and was washed 
toward the shore, while innumerable kind-hearted tools 
of the Camden and Amboy railroad clustered on the beach 
with boats and ropes. Slowly the unhappy mariner drift- 
ed to land and as he exhaustcdly caught at tlie ropo 
thrown to him, the kindly natives uttered an encouraging 
cheer. ' You are saved !' they shouted. ' You are saved, 
and must show the conductor your ticket!' With the sea 
still boiling about him, the drowning stranger resisted the 
efforts to haul him ashore. 'Stop!' said he, in faint 
tones * tell me where I am ! "What country is this ?' They 
answered 'New Jersey.' Scarcely had the name been ut- 
tered when the wretched stranger let go the rope, ejacu- 
lating, as he did so, ' I guess I'll float a little farther !' 



Swearing a Contraband. 

The President often tells tlic following, wliicli may be 
considered rich. Company K, of the first Iowa Cavaliy, 
stationed in Tennessee, received into their camp a iniddle- 
aged but vigorous contraband. Innumerable questions 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 47 

were being propounded to him, when a corporal advanced 
observing, — 'See here, Dixie, before you can enter the 
service of the United States you must be sworn.' 

< Yes, massa, I do dat,' ho replied ; when the corporal 
continued; 

* Well then, take hold of the Bible,' holding out a letter 
envelope, upon which was delineated the Goddess of Lib- 
erty, standing on a Suffolk pig, wearing the emblem of 
our country. The negro grasped the envelope cautiously 
with his thumb and finger, when the corporal proceeded 
to administer the oath by saying: 

* You do solemnly swear that you will support the Con- 
Btitulion of the United States, and see that there are no 
grounds floating upon the cofiee at all times.' 

' Yes, mass? ■ do dat,' he replied ; ' I allers settle him 
in de coile'^ *xvt.' 

Ho'"^ he let go the envelope to gesticulate by a down- 
ward thrust of his forclinger the direction that would be 
given to the coficc grounds for the future. 

' Never mind how you do it,' shouted the corporal, * but 
hold on to the Bible.' 

' Lordy massa, I forgot,' said the negro, as he darted 
forward and grasped the envelope with a firmer clutch, 
when the corporal continued ; 

' And you do solemnly swear that you will support the 
Constituiion of all loyal States, and not ppit upon the 
plates when cleaning them, or wipe them with your shirt* 
bIccvcs.' 

Uere a frown lowered upon the brow of the negro, his 
eyes expanded to their largest dimensions, while his lips 
protruded with a rounded form as he exclaimed : 



48 OLD abe's jokes. 

«Lordj, massa, I never do dat. I allers washes him 
tiice. • Ole missus mighty 'ticler 'bout dat.' 

* Never mind ole missus,' shouted the corporal, as he 
resumed : « and do you solemnly swear that you will put 
milk into the cofiee every morning, and see that the ham 
and eggs are not cooked too much or too little.' 

* Yes, I do dat, I'se a good cook.' 

* And lastly,' continued the corporal, ' you do solemnly 
swear that when this war is over you'll make tracks for 
Africa mighty fast.' 

< Yes, massa, I do dat. I allers wanted to go to Chee- 
cargo 

HfciO the regimental drum beat up for dress parade, 
when Tom Benton — that being his name — was declared 
duly sworn in and commissioned as chief-cook in Company 
K. of the first Iowa Cavalry. 



The JeflF. Da.vis Confederacy is getting so hard up for 
troops, that it has commenced the seizure of tobacco-chew- 
ers, in order to secure their ' old soldiers.' 



Lincoln and Col. Weller. 
Weller was at Washington settling his accounts as 
Minister to Mexico. After their adjustment, he concluded 
to pay his respects to Mr. Lincoln, with whom he had 
served in Congress. He called at the Presidential man- 
sion, and was courteously received. ' Mr. President,' said 
Colonel "Weller, • I have called on you to say that I most 
keartily endorse the conservative position you have ns^^iiinoc 



FBESn FROM ABRAHAM S BOSOM. 49 

and will stand by you as long as you prosecute the war for 
the preservation of the Union and the Constitution.' — 
* Colonel Weller,' said the President, ' I am heartily glad 
to hear you say this.' * Yes, Mr. President,' said Weller, 
« I desire an appointment to aid in this work.' ' What do 
you want, Colonel?' asked Abraham. '/ desire to hz ap- 
pointed Commodore in the Navy,^ said Weller. The Presi- 
dent repled : ' Colonel, I did not think you had any ex- 
perience as a sailor.' « I never had, Mr. President,' said 
"Weller ; ' but, judging from the Brigadier-Generals you 
have appointed in Ohio, the less experience a man has, the 
higher position he attains.' Lincoln turned off with a 
hearty laugh, and said : ' I owe you one. Colonel !' 



Mrs. Lincoln's Bonnet. 

< Burleigh,' ' gets off ' the following gossip about a bon- 
net for Mrs. Lincoln : 

About the same number of cities that contended — 

" For Homer dead, 
Throngh which the living Homer begged his bread." 

are contending for the honor of furnishing a hat for the 
head tl>at reclines on Abraham's bosom. In New York, 
from Canal street to Fourteenth, from Philadelphia to 
Bangor, can be seen on exhibition a ' Bonnet for Mrs. 
President Lincoln.' These establishments send on and 
notify Mrs. L. that they have a love of a bonnet, which 
they are desirous to present to her as a testimonial of their 
loyalty and great regard for her personally. The amiable 
and kind-hearted lady of the White House (for such she is) 
->ndescends to accept the gift, and at once Mrs. Lincoln's 



50 OLD ABE'S JOKES. 

Hat,' is on exhibition, and crowds flock to sec it. And 
such a hat! a condensed milliner's stock in trade, arched 
high enough to admit a canal boat under it, scalloped, 
fluted and plaited, loaded witli bugles, birds of Paradise, 
French lace and gewgaws known by name only to the 
trade, black and white crape, with a mingling of ribbons 
of all hues, and as many contradictions as there are in a 
glass of punch. A fit capstone to the cranium of a * Madge 
Wildfire.' Mrs. Lincoln may wear all these bonnets, but 
judging from the specimen I saw, ' uneasy lies the head that 
wears ' — such a bonnet. 



Honest Abe's Replies. 

Old Abe being asked what he had done for his country, 
Viade the following reply : 

1st. I confiscated their cotton, but in return gave them 
« Wool.' 

2d. I have exercised a ' Foster-ing * care over North 
Carolina. 

3d. I gave them a * Pope ' to control their misguided 
zeal. 

4th. Notwithstanding the financial condition of their 
country, I established ' Banks ' in New Orleans. 

5th. I furnished them with a « Butler ' and ' Porter.' 

6th. When the slaves in South Carolina fled from their 
masters, I sent them a Hunter,' who found them by hun- 
dreds. 

7th. When they invaded Pennsylvania to reap a har- 
vest, I furnished the * Sickles ' and gave them * Meade ' to 
cool their heated blood. 



FEESH FBOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. SI 



The Presidential Hymn of Thanks. 

Miles O'Rielly, the soldier who was arrested on Morri? 
Island, S. C, for making poetry, and pardoned by the 
President, in response to a witty poetical petition, has sent 
a hymn of thanks to tlie President, beginning : 

«* Long life to you, Misther Lincoln ; 

May you die both late and aisy ; 
An' whin you lie wid the top of aich toe 

Turned up to the roots of a daisy. 
May this be youi epitaph, nately writ : 

' Though thraitors abused him vilely. 
He was honest an' kindly, he loved a joke, 

An' he pardoned Myles O'Rielly.' " 



What Old Abe says of Tennessee. 

It is a fertile country, and the people are putting in 
crops after a fashion, and under difficulties. He asked a 
lady from there not long ago, 

* Will you make a crop of cotton this year V 
' I am going to try.' 

' How many hands have you got V 

* One woman.' 

It struck me, says Abe, that a crop of coiton 'made ' by 
one female citizen of African descent would not be what ia 
generally nominated a *big thinq. 



53 OLD abe's joees. 



A Patriotic (?) Darkey. 

Our President also tells the following story: 
Upon the hurricane deck of one of our gur.boLfcd,; an 
elderly darkey, with a very philosophical and retrospec- 
tive cast of countenance, squatted upon his bundle, toast- 
ing his shins against the chimney and apparently plunged 
into a state of profound meditation. Finding i;pon inquiry 
that he belonged to the Ninth Illinois, one of the most gal- 
lantly behaved and heavy losing regiments at the Fort 
Donelson battle, and part of which was aboard, began to 
interrogate him upon the subject : 

* Were you in the fight?' 

* Had a little taste of it' sa.* 

« Stood your ground, did you?* 

* No, sa, I runs.' 

« Eun at the first fire, did you V 

* Yes, sa, and would hab run soona, bad I knowd it 
war comin.' 

« Why, that wasn't very creditable to your jourage.' 
« Dat isn't my line, sa — cookin's my profesl un.' 

* Well, but have you no regard for your rei-utation?' 

* Reputation's nuffin to me by de side ob life' 

* Do you consider your life worth more than other peo- 
ple's r 

* It's worth more to me, sa.' 

• « Then you must value it very highly ?' 

' Yes, sa, I docs, more dan all dis wuld, more dan a mil- 
lian ob dollars sa. for what would dat be wuth to a man 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 55 

wid de bref out ob him ? Self-preserbation am de fust law 
wid me.' 

' But why should you act upon a dififcrent rule from other 
men ?' 

'Because different men set different values upon their 
L'ves; mine is not in de market.' 

" But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction oi 
knowing that you died for your country.' 

' What satifaction would dat be to to me when de powei 
of feelin' was gone?' 

' Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you ?' 

' Nufin whatever, sa — I regard them as among the vani 
tios.' 

' If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have broker 
up tho government without resistance.' 

' Yes, sa, dar would hab been no help for it. I wouldnt 
put my life in de scale 'ginst any gobernment dat eber ex- 
isted, for no gobernment could replace de loss to me.' 

' Do you think any of your company would have missed 
you if you had been killed ?' 

' Maybe not, sa — a dead white man ain't much to dese 
sogers, let alone a dead nigga — but I'd a missed myself 
and dat was de pint wid me.' 



Old Abe a Coward. 

If Lincoln should be renominated for the Presidency, 
why would he be a cowardly antagonist? Because ha 
would be sure to run. 



54 OLD abe's jokes, 



Abraham Advisesthe "Springs." 

It is stated that Old Abe being much disgusted at the 
crowd ol" oHicors who some time ago used to loiter about 
the Washiuytou hotels, and he is reported to have reuiark- 
ed to a member of Congress : " These fellows and ike Con' 
grvssmen do vex me sorely, they should certainly visit the 
* Springs.' 



Lincoln 'Mctaiic Ring.* 

The new fractional notes have upon the face a faint oval 
ring of bronze encircling the vignette. Upon being asked 
its use, Mr. Lincoln said: 'It was a faint attempt on the 
part of Mr. Chase to give the currency a metalic ring.' 



Abe tells the following story about a drunken captain 
who met a private of his company in the same condition. 
The captain ordered him to ' halt,* and endeavoring in vain 
to assume a firm position on his feet, and to talk with dig- 
nified severity, exclaimed : * Private Smith, I'll give you 
t'l )hic) lour o'clock to gissober in." * Cap'n,' replied the 

Boldicr, *a3 you'r (hie) ■ sight drunkerniam, I'll give 

you t'l five o'clock to gissober in.' 



Old Abe tells the following anecdote of a prisoner, a 
Union soldier, a droll-looking fellow. I accosted him 
with, ' Well, my fine fellow, what are you in hero for V 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 55 

* For taking something,' he replied. 'What do you mean?' 
' Why,' said he, ' one morning I did not feel very W3ll, and 
went to sec the surgeon. He was busy writing at tlie 
time, and when I went in he looked at me, sayiiiLi-, ' Well, 
you do look bad; you had better take something,' lie 
then went on with his writing, and left me standing be- 
hind him. 1 looked around, and saw nothing I could take 
except his watch, and I took that. That's what I am in 
here for,' 



A Good Word for Mr. Lincoln. 

It is some amend3 for the ridicule which has been un- 
sparingly heaped by certain presses upon Mr. Lincoln, 
that the London Spectator, one of the most intelligent and 
most respectable journals in Europe, finds occasion for the 
following words about him : 

• Mr. Lincoln has been treated, as few governors have 
ever been treated, and although he may not always have 
risen fully to the level of a great emergency, he has sel- 
dom failed to display a noble impartiality, a great firm- 
ness of purpose, and a sagacious, if somewhat utilitarian 
judgment. We believe a juster man never held the reins 
of government.* 



Sinecure vs Water-cure. 

* The private secretary of the President is a wag. A 
young man decidedly inebriated, walked into the cxecu- 
Uve mansion and asked for the President. 



56 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

« What do you want with him V inquired the Secretary. 

< Oh, I want an office with a good salary— a sinecure.' 

« Well,' replied the Secretary, '• I can tell you some- 
thing better for you than a sinecure — you had better try 
water cure.' 

A new idea seemed to strike the young inebriate and 
ho vamosed. 



The Negro in a Hogshead. 

Abe often laughs over the following: 

A curious incident, which escaped general attention at 
the time of its occurrence, happened at police headquar- 
ters during the riot. While President Acton was giving 
some final orders to a squad of men who were just leaving 
to combat the crowd in First avenue, a wagon containing 
a hogshead was driven rapidly up to the Mulberry street 
door, by a lad who appeared much excited and almost 
breathless. 

' What have you there, my lad ?' said the President. 

* Supplies for your men,' was the answer. 

* What are they ?' 

« It is an assorted lot, sir ; but the people says it's con- 
traband.' 

Being exceedingly busy, the President ordered the wa- 
gon to be driven round to the Mott street entrance, where 
an oHiccr was sent to look after the goods. When tlie 
wagon arrived the officers were about to tip the cask out, 
but where prevented by the boy, who exclaimed : 

* Wait a minute, bring me a hatchet.' A hatchet was 



"FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. " 57 

Lrouglit, and the little fellow set to work imheading the 
cask, and as he did so the officers were astonished to see 
two full grown negroes snugly packed inside. Upon being 
assured by the lad that they were safe they raised their 
Leads, took a long snuff of fresh air, and exclaimed, 'Bress 
deLord!' 

Tiie hoy stated that the rioters had chased the poor un- 
fortunates into the rear of some houses on the west side of 
the town, and that they had escaped by scaling a fence 
and landing in a grocer's yard ; that the grocer was 
friendly to ihem, but feared his place might be sacked if 
they were found there. He accordingly hit upon this 
novel plan of getting them out, and while he kept watch 
in front the boy coopered the negroes up. The cask was 
then rolled out like a hogshead of sugar, placed in the 
■wagon and driven off to Mulberry street. The colored 
heroes of this adventure may still be found at police licad- 
quarters, thankful to the ingenuity and daring of those 
■who suggested and carried out this singular method of sav- 
mcr them from violence.' 



Mr. Lincoln's Kind-Heartedness. 

*An incident connected with Mr. Shultz illustrates the 
kind-heartedness of Mr. Lincoln. On his return from his 
former imprisonment, on parole, young Shultz was sent to 
Carnp Parole, at Alexandria. Having had no furlough 
since tlie -war, efforts -were made, -without success, to get 
him liberty to pay a brief visit to his friends ; but having 
faith in the warm-heartedness of the President, the young 
soldier's widowed mother -wrote to Mr. Lincoln, stating 



OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

that he had been in nearly every battle foug.-ht by the army 
of the Potomac, had never asked a furlough, was now a 
paroled prisoner, and in consequence unable to perform 
active duties, that two of his brothers bad also served in 
the array, and ashing that he be allowed to visit home, 
that she might see him once more. Her trust in the Pres- 
ident was not unfounded. He immediately caused a fur- 
lough to be given to her son, who, shortly before he was 
exchanged, visited his family, to their great surprise and 
joy. 

o 

" Dat's what Skeered 'em so bad!" 

Says Lincoln, * "We were passing along the wharves a 
few days ago, wondering at the amount of business that 
was there transacted. While standing observing a cargo 
of horses being transferred from a vessel to the shore, an 
* old contraband' appeared at our elbow, touching his fur 
hat, and scraping an enormous foot. He opened his bat- 
tery upon us with the following : 

' Well, boss, how is yer ?' 

* Pretty well, daddy ; how are you ?' 

* I'se fuss rate, I is. B'long to Old Burnemside's boys, 
does yer V 

< Yes, I belong to that party. Great boys, ain't they ?' 

< Well I thought yer b'longed to dat party. Great man, 
he is, dat's sartin. YeS; sir. We waited and waited ; we 
heard yer was coming' but we mos guv yer up. 'Deed we 
jest did ; but one mornin' we licard do big guns, way down 
ribber, go bang, bang, bang, and de folks round yer began 
to cut dar stick mitey short, and trabble up de rail track. 



FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 59 

Den bress dc good Lord, we knowed yer was coming, but 
wejield our jaw, Bymeby de sojcrs begun to cut dar 
stick, too, and dey did trabble ! Goramity, 'pears dey 
made de dirt fly ! Ya, lia !' 

* Why, were tliey scared so bad ?' 

'De sogers didn't skeer um so much as dem biack boats. 
Kase, yer see, de sojers shot solid balls, and dey not mind 
dem so much ; but when dera boats say b-o-o-m, dey 
knowd dc rotten balls was comin, and they skeeted quick- 
ern a streak of litenin.' 

'What! rotten balls did the boats throw at them ?' 

« Dont yer know ? What, dem balls dat arc bad, dar 
rotten ; iiy all to bits — 'deed does dey — play de very deb- 
bil wid yer. No dodgin' dem derc balls : ' kase yer dun- 
no wliarc dey Ty too— strike yah and fly yaudah ; dat'a 
what skecred 'cm so bad!' 

' Well, what are you going to do when the wars over V 

* Duuno, 'praps I goes NotT wid dis crowd. Pretty 
much so, I guess. Tears tcr me dis child had better be 
movin'.' 



-o^- 



The Darned Thing. 

« The following was told of a soldier wounded by a shell 
from Fort Wagner. He was going to the rear with a 
mutilated arm. 

' Wounded by a shell ?' he was asked. 

' Yes.' he coolly answered, ' I was right under the darn- 
ed thing when the bottom drooped out.' 



60 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 



I he President shaking hands with Wounded Rebels. 

A correspondent, who was with the President on the 
occasion of his recent visit to Frederick, Md., tells the 
following incident: 

' After leaving Gen. Richardson, the party passed a 
house in which was a large number of confederate wound- 
ed. By request of the President, the party alighted and 
entered the building. Mr. Lincoln, after looking, remark- 
ed to the wounded confederates that if they had no 
objection he would be pleased to take them by the hand. 
He said the solemn obligations wliich we owe to our coun- 
try and posterity compel the prosecution of this war, and 
it followed that many were our enemies tlirough uncon- 
trollable circumstances and he bore them no malice, and 
could take them by the hand with sympathy and good feel- 
ing. After a short silence the confederates came forward, 
and each silently but fervently shook the hand of the 
President. Mr. Lincoln and Gen. McClellan then walked 
forward by the side of those who were wounded too 
severely to be able to arise, and bid them to be of good 
cheer ; assuring them that every pos:=ibie care should be 
bestowed upon them to ameliorate their condition. It 
was a moving scene, and there was not a dry eye in the 
building, cither among the nationals or confederates. 
Both the President and Gen. McClellan were kind in 
tlieir remarks and treatment of the rebel suflferen during 
this remarkable interview.' 



Pedlar made to swallow hrs own Pies, 

Wc have read frequent allusions to the rough points id 
tlic character of General Nelson, who has succeeded, we 
believe, to the command of Gen. Mitchell's division. The 
following account of one of his performances sounds so 
much like other things alleged of him, that we suspect it 
maj be accounted at least half true, and may not be out 
of place in Old Abe's Jokes : 

Gen. Nelson, the commander of our division, occasion- 
ally coraes dashing through camp, bestowing a gratuitioua 
cursing to some offender and is off like a shot. He is a 
great, rough, profane old fellow — has followed the seas 
many years. He has a plain, good, old fashioned fire- 
place kindness about him that is always shown to those 
tliat do their duty. But offenders meet with no mercy at 
his hands. The General hates pedlars. There are many 
that come about the camp Belling hoe-cakes, pies, milk, 
&c., at exorbitant prices. Cracker-fed-soldiers are free 
with their monev ; they will pay ten times the value of an 
article if they want it. The other day the General came 
across a pedlar selling something that he called pies, not 
the delicious kind of pies that our Northern mothers n»ake 
— the very thought of which even now makes me home 
sick — but an indigestible combination of flattened dough 
and wolly peaches, minus sugar, minus spice, minus every- 
thing that is good — any of which the General swore 
would kill a hyena deader than the devil. < What do 
you charge for those pies?' belched out the General. 
« Fifty cents apiece,' responded the pic-man. ' Fifty cents 



^2 OL^ ABE'S JOKES, 

apiece, for pies,' roared the General. < Now, jou infernal 
swindling pirate,' roared he, letting fly one of his great 
rifled oaths, that fairly made the fellow tremble, ' I want 
you to go to work and cram every one of those pies down 
you as quick as the Lord will let you. Double quick, you 
villain.' Expostulations, appeals, or promises were of no 
avail, and the pedlar was forced, to the great amusement 
of the soldiers, to down half a dozen of his own pics — all 
he had left. * Now,' said the General to the fellow, after 
he had finished his repast, and stood looking as dcatli-like 
as tho certain doctor that was forced to swallow his own 
medicine — ' leave, and if ever I catch you back here 
again, swindling my men, I'll hang you.' The man do- 
parted. 



Old Abe occasionally Browses Around. 

A party of gentlemen, among whom was a doctor of di- 
vinity of great comeliness of manner called at the White 
House, to pay their respects to the President. On in ^uir- 
ing for that dignitary, the servant informed them that the 
President was at dinner, but he would present their 
carda. The doctor demurred to this, saying they would 
not disturb Mr. Lincoln, but would call again. Michael 
persisted in assuring them it would make no difference to 
the President, and bolted in with the cards. In a i'ew 
minutes, the President walked into the room, with a kind, 
ly salutation, and a request that the friends would take 
seats. The doctor expressed his regret that their visi; 
was so ill-timed, and that his Excellency was disturbed 
while at dinner. * ! no consequence at all,' said the 



FRESH FROM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 63 

good-natured Mr. Lincoln : ' Mrs. Lincoln is absent at 
present, and when she is away, I generally browse 
around.' 



Mr. Lincoln and the Barber. 

The other day a distinguished public officer was at 
"U^ashington, and in an interview with the President, in- 
troduced the question of slavery emancipation. « Well, 
you see,' said Mr. Lincoln, ' we've got to be mighty 
cautious how we manage the negro question. If we're 
not we shall be like the barber out in Illinois, who was 
shaving a fellow with a hatchet face and lantern jaws 
like mine. Tlie barber stuck his finger in his customer's 
mouth to make his cheek stick out, but while sliaviuff 
away he cut through the fellow's cheek and cut off his 
own finger! If we don't play mighty smart about the 
nigger we shall do as the barber did.' 



Old Abe on the " Compromise." 

When the conversation turned upon the discussion? as to 
the ilissouri Compromise, it elicited the following quaint 
remark from the President : « It used to amuse n.e some 
(sic) to find that tlie slave holders wanted more territory, 
because they had not room enough for their slaves, and yet 
they complained of not having the slave trade, because 
they wanted more slaves for their room.' 



64 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 



Old Abe on Banks' Expedition. 

Wlien Gen. Banks was fitting out his expedition to New 
Orleans, it will be remembered that the Prcident used to 
answer all questions as to its destination with great frank- 
ness, by saying that it was going South. 



Sufficient Cause for Furlough. 

President Lincoln received the following pertinent letter 
from an indignant private, which speaks for itself: " Dear 
President — I have been in the service eighteen months, and 
I have never received a cent. I desire a furlough for 
fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my family 
to the poor house.' The President granted the furlough. 
It's a good story and true. 



The President on " Mud." 

By special permission of the < Censor of the Press,' we 
are allowed to mention that the President, on alighting 
from his carriage, after his late Aquia Creek excursion, 
remarked, ' that it was all nonsense to say Virginia was 
disafi"ectcd, as he had found it a Clay State up to the 
hub.' 



FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 65 



Lincoln on his Cabinet *' Help." 

A prominent senator was remonstrating -with Mr. Lin- 
coln a few days ago about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cabi- 
net, when it was well known that Mr. C. is opposed, tooth 
and nail, to Mr. Lincoln's re-election. 

' Now, see here,' said the President, ' when I was elect- 
ed I resolved to hire my four Presidential rivals, pay them 
their wages, and be their ' boss.' These were Seward, 
Chase, Cameron and Bates ; but I got rid of Cameron after 
he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or 
Seward, don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am 
their boss, wouldn't let either of them out on the loose for 
the fee simple of the Almaden patent.' 



Mr. Lincoln and the Millerits. 

. A gentleman, it is said, sometime ago hinted to the Pre- 
sident that it was deemed quite settled that he would 
accept a re-nomination for his present office, whereupon Mr. 
Lincoln was reminded of a story of Jesse Dubois, out in 
Illinois. Jesse, as State Auditor, had charge of the State 
House at Springfield. An itinerant preacher came along 
and asked the use of it for a lecture. ' On what subject ?' 
asked Jesse. * On the second coming of our Saviour,' an* 
swered the long-faced Millerite. 'Oh, bosh,' retorted 
uncle Jesse, testily, 'I guess if our Saviour had ever been 
to Springfield, and had got away with his life, lied be too 
smart to tliink of <;oming back again.' This, Mr. Lincoln 
^id, was very much his case about th^ succession. 



66 OLD A6E*S JOKES. 



A Good One by Old Abe. 

The President is rather vain of his height, but one day 
& young man called on him who was certainly three inches 
taller than the former ; he was like the mathematical 
definition of the straight line, length without breadth. 
* Really,' said Mr. Lincoln, ' 1 must look up to you ; if you 
ever get into a deep place you ought to be able to wade 
out. 



Tanning Leather. 

During the siege of Vicksburg, several politicians called 
upon General Grant to talk about political matters. Gen. 
Grant listened to tliem for a few moments, and then inter- 
rupted them, saying: 'There is no use of talking about 
polities to me. 1 know nothing about the subject, and" 
furthermore, I don't know of any person among my acquain- 
tance who does. But there is one subject with which I am 
acquainted, talk of that, and 1 am your man,' * What is 
that. General ?' asked the politicians, in surprise. ' Tan- 
ning leather,' replied General Grant. General Grant's 
father was a wealthy tanner out west, before the rebellion, 
and the General assisted in conducting the business. 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 67 



Southern '• Happiness." 

Old Abe declares, in epigrammatic phase, * the only 
happy people in the Confederacy are those who have black 
hearts or black skins.' 

Reduced to plainer English, this confession means that 
the rebel rulers and the rebel speculators are all rascals 
together, and that the blacks are never happy until they 
begia to run away from such contaminating influences. 



Lincoln's Advice. 

President Lincoln is not so far weighed down by the 
cares of his office tliat he cannot still tell a good story. 
He is greatly bothered, as a matter of course, by men who 
have got some patent plan for conqueriing the rebels. One 
man has an invention which, if applied to our ships, will 
enable them to batter down every rebel fort on the entire 
southern coast. Another has a river gunboat, which can 
sail straight down the Mississippi, without the fear of a 
rebel shell or ball, and so on. A few days ago a western 
farmer sought the President day after day, until he pro- 
cured the much-desired audience. He, too, had a plan for 
the successl'ul prosecution of the war, to which Mr. Lincoln 
listened as patiently as he could. 'vFhen he was through, 
he asked the opinion of the President upon his plan. 
'Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, ' I'll answei by telling you a 
story. You have heard of Mr. Blank, of Chicago ? He 



68 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

was an immense loafer in his way, in fact, never did any- 
thing in his life. One day he got crazy over a great rise 
in the price of wheat upon which many wheat speculators 
gained large fortunes. l>lauk started oft' one morning to 
one of the most successful of the wheat speculators, and 
with much entliusiasm laid before him a ' plan' by which 
he, the said Blank, was certain of becoming independently 
rich. When he had finished, he asked the opinion of his 
hearer upon his plan of operations. The reply came as 
follows : ' My advice is that you stick to your business.* 
« But,' asked Blank, ' what is my business ?' ' I don't 
know, I'm sure, what it is,' says the merchant, 'but what' 
ever it is I would advise you to stick to it!' And now, said 
Mr. Lincoln, ' I mean nothing offensive, for I know you 
mean well, but I think you had better stick to your busi- 
ness and leave the war to those who have the responsibili- 
ty of managing it !' Whether the former was satisfied 
or not I cannot say, but ho did not tarry long in the Presi- 
dential mansion. 



Old Abe Appoints a General. 

One of the new levies of troops required the appoint- 
ment of a large additional number of Brigadier and Major 
Generals. Among the immense number of applications, 
Mr. Lincoln came upon one wherein the claims of a certain 
worthy (not in the service at all) 'for a generalship' were 
glowingly set forth. Bnt the applicant didn't specify 
whether he wanted to be Brigadier or Major General. The 
Preeident observed this difficulty, and solved it by a lucid 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 69 

endorsement. The clerk, on receiving the paper again, 
found written across its back, 'Major General, 1 reckop', 
A. Lincoln.' 



A Practical Joke, not exactly Old Abe's, however. 
Quite a commotion was created in a Bleecker street 
boarding-house by the arrest of two Southern gentlemen 
Messrs. Joyce and Richardson, of Baltimore, for violating 
their parole and returning to the North, after having been 
sent to Dixie. On the occasion of their last arrest, several 
ladies, residing at their boarding-house, used some very 
expressive language, and rather tersely expressed their 
" feelinks" on the — to them — outrageous manner the gov- 
ernment sought to vindicate its authority. Doubtless, all 
the women were perfectly loyal, and each would gladly 
take the oath of allegiance to the government, or " any 
other man ;" but evidently some sarcastic old gentleman 
did not believe it, and in order to test the question con- 
cocted the following letter, which was duly directed and 
forwarded to the lady of whom he appeared most sus- 
picious : 

Headquarters U. S. Army, 

No. — street. 

New York, February — , 1864. 

Mrs. is respectfully requested to call at the above 

headquarters within six days, for examination on matters 
of importance which will then be stated to her. 
By Order of the Military Department, 

A. S. Jones, 
Assistant Adj.-General. 
Bring this notice with you. 



70 OLD abe's jokis, 

On receipt of this notice, the lady, to whom it was ad- 
dressed, began to feel some misgivings. The oftener she 
read the mandate the more nervous she became, until at 
length, like a woman of spirit, she determined to present 
herself before the " powers that be," and await whatever 
explanation might be given. Conscious that in no act oi 
deed liad she been a disloyal woman, she felt certain tha 
if the military authorities had any knowledge of the words 
she liad made use of on the occasion referred to, they would 
overlook the hasty expressions of an affectionate nature, 
excited by the midnight arrest of those whom she had 
hitherto looked upon as peaceful, law-abiding citizens. 
Accordingly, the lady visited at the number indicated in 
the note, but discovered there no signs of military head- 
quarters. On the next block, in the same street, were the 
headquarters of General Dix. Determined to have a clear 
record, the lady proceeded tliitlier. Being stopped by the 
sentinel, she requested an audience with General Dix, and 
in due course found herself in the presence of that polite 
and patriotic ofiicer. The interview was substantially as 
follows : 

Lady : I called, sir, to know what this letter means. 

General (after reading the document, smiling) : My dear 
Madam, I am quite as ignorant as you seem to be. There 
is no such person as A. S. Jones on my staff, or to my 
knowledge, connected with the military forces of the Unitod 
States, at present on duty in this city. 

Lady (very much relieved) : I thought so, sir, but X 
meant to be certain. I believe I liave been hoaxed, sir, 
because I am from Baltimore, and resided at the house 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 71 

where Mr. Joyce was recently arrested. Some wicked 
person has sent me this to annoy me. 

General : Doubtless that is the case, Madam, but I don't 
see that I (fan help you. 

Lady : I wish you could. I declare I would get you to 
Bend a file of soldiers after the scamp that has sent thia 
message to me. 

General (smiling) ; That would indeed be an arbitrary 
arrest that I cannot be a party to ; and your only remedy, 
that I see, is to be patient, until, perhaps, the individual 
himself shows his hand, and then you may punish bim 
through the civil law. 

Lady : Thank you, General. I am norry I have troubled 
you, but I felt anxious to appear right in the matter. 

General : No apologies, my dear Madam. 

Thereupon, the General bowed the lady out, and, per- 
haps, smiled inwardly at her confusion, as he proceeded to 
transact his usual business. It is unnecessary to describe 
the feelings of the lady as she joyfully wended her way 
homeward, and our reporter drops the curtain upon the 
scenes in a certain private room of that boarding-house, 

when Mrs. W revealed to her confidential friends how 

she had been the victim of a practical joke. A rod is 
being pickled for the practical joker, and it will be sur- 
prising if a woman's wit does not find some means of ap- 
plying it to the back of the me&n-spirited hound. 



o- 



Old Abe and His Tod. 

*For occasional sallies of genuine original wit, give va 
a country grocery on winter evenings and rainy days, and 



72i OLD ABE'S J0KE3, 

the bar rooms of country hotels. As an instance take the 
following, which occurred in a bar-room. There was 
quite a collection, and our friend S., who is a democrat, 
and friend M., who is a republican, had been earnestly but 
pleasantly discussing politics ; and as a lull took place ia 
the conversation, S. spoke up as follows : 

* M., how many public men arc there who are really 
temperance men V 

' Oh, I don't know,' replied M. 

'Well,' said S., *I don't know of but one that I can 
speak positively of on our side, and that is General 
Cass.' 

' Well,' said M., promptly, * there is President Lincoln 
on our side, certain.' 

< Guess not,' said L., incredulously. 
' Guess yes,' replied M., warmly. 

« But you don't pretend to say that President Lincoln is 
a temperance man,' asked S. 

< Yes, I do,' answered M., ' and can maintain the state- 
ment.' 

* Well, now I tell you that Abraham Lincoln is as fond 
of his tod as any man living,' replied S., earnestly, « and I 
can prove it to you.' 

' Well, I tell you that he isn't,' replied M., who began to 
get excited ; ' that he is as pure and strict a temperance 
man as there is in the country.' 

' I contend,' replied S.' with provoking coolness, ' that 
Abraham Lincoln is £0 fond of his tod that it is the last 
thing he thinks of when he goes to bed, and the first when 
he wakes in the morning.' 



FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 73 

« It's a confounded locofoco lie !' exclaimed M., springing 
to Lis feet. 

' Hold on, friend M.,' said S., ' what was Lincoln's 
wife's name before slie was married V 

' Todd, by ihunderr exclaimed M., jumping more than a 
foot from the floor ; « boy's let's adjourn to ti''^. other 
room.' 



Pluck to the Toe-Nail. 

« A wag thus describes the constitution of his company 
»f volunteers : 

'I'm captain cf the Baldinsville company. I riz grad- 
ooaly but majes'icly from drummer's secretary to my pres- 
ent position. I determined to have my company composed 
excloosively of oCQssers, everybody to rank as brigadier- 
gencrah As all air comniandin' ofiissers there ain't no 
jelusy ; and as we air all cxceedin' smart, it taint worth 
while to try to outstrip each other. The idee of a com- 
pany composed excloosively of commanders-in-chief orrig- 
gcrnated I spose I skursely need say, in this brane. Con- 
sidered as an idee, I flatter myself it's pretty helTy. — 
We've got the tackticks at our tongs' end, but what we 
pareickly excol in is restin' muskits. We can rest mus- 
kits with anybody. Our corpse will do its dooty. We'll 
be cliopt into sassiage meet before we'll exhibit our coat 
tails to the foe. We'll fight till there's nothing left to us 
aut our little toes, and even they shall defiently wriggle.' 



74 OLD abe's jokes, 



The National Joker and the Nigger Mathenatician. 
A gentleman, who liappcned to Lave an interview with 
the national joker just previous to the battle of Gettys- 
burg, ventured to turn the conversation on the rebel in- 
vasion of Pennsylvania, and made tlie remark that the 
rebels were splendidly armed. ' There's no doubt of that,' 
replied Mr. Lincoln, ' because we supplied them with the 
best we had.' The visitor expressed a confident hope, 
liowever, that Meade would be able to beat Lee and cap- 
ture his whole army. The President grinned to the ut- 
most extent of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was 
afraid there would be too much « nigger mathematics' in 
it. Tlie visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt bound in 
politeness to do, supposing that there must be something 
in it, though he could not see the point. ' But I suppose 
you don"t know what nigger mathematics is," continued 
Mr. Lincoln. ' Lay down your hat for a minute, and Pll 
tell you.' He himself resumed the sitting posture, leaned 
back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and 
went on with his story. ' There was a darkey in my neigh- 
borhood called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in 
figuring up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the 
reputation of being a mathematical genius. Mr. Johnson, 
a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see 
him. Hear ye're a great mat'm'tishun, Pompey. Yes, 
Bar, you jus try. Well, Pompey, I'ze compound a problem 
in mat'matics. All right, sar. Now, Pompey, s'pose der 
am tree pigeons sittin on a rail fence, and you fire a gun 
at 'era and shoot one, how many's left ? Two, ob coors, 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 75 

replies Pompey, aftor a little wool-scratching. Ya, ya, ya, 
laughs Mr. Johnson ; I knowed you was a fool, Pompey ; 
derc's none left ; one's dead, and d'udder two's flown 
away. That's what makes me say,' continued Mr. Lincoln 
• that Pm afraid there will be too much nigger mathe- 
matics in the Pennsylvania campaign.' And the result 
showed that, in this instance at least, the anecdote suited 
the fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them 
was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off 
over the Potomac. 



Big Brindle and the Highfalutin Colonel. 

President Lincoln tells the following story of Col. W 
who had been elected to the Legislature, and had also 
been judge of the county court. His elevation, however, 
had made liim somewhat pompous, and he became very 
fond of using big words. On his farm he bad a very 
large and mischievous ox called ' Big Brindle,' which fre- 
quently broke down his neighbors' fences, and committed 
other depredations, much to the Colonel's annoyance. 

One morning after breakfast in the presence of Mr. 
Lincoln who had stayed with' him over night, and who 
was on his way to town, he called his overseer and said 
to him : 

« Mr. Allen, I desire you to impound Big Brindle, in 
order that I may hear no animadversions on his eternal 
depredations.' 

Allen bowed and walked off, sorely puzzled to know 
what the Colonel meant So after Col. W. left for town, 



76 OLD ABB'S JOKES, 

he went to his wife and aslb.ed her what Col. W. meant by 
telling him to impound tht ox. 

* Why, he meant to tell you to put him in a pen,' said 
she. 

Allen left to perform the feat, for it was no inconsider 
able one, as the animal was very wild and vicious, an 
after a great deal of trouble and vexation succeeded. 

< Well,' said he, wiping the perspiration from his brow, 
and soliloquizing^ ' this is impounding, is it ? Now, I am 
dead sure that the Colonel will ask me if I impounded 
Big Brindle, and I'll bet I puzzle him as he did me.' 

The next day the Colonel gave a dinner party, and as 
he was not aristocratic, Mr. Allen, the overseer, sat down 
with the company. After the second or third glass was 
discussed, the Col. turned to the overseer and said : 

* Eh, Mr. Allen, did you impound Big Brindle, sir ?' 
Allen straightened himself, and looking u"ound at the 

company said ; 

< Yes, I did, sir, but old Brindle transcended the impan 
nel of the impound, and scattcrlophisticated all over tht 
equanimity of the forest.' 

The company burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, 
while the Colonel's face reddened with discomfiture. 

* What do you mean by that, sir V said the Colonel. 

< Why, I mean. Colonel,' said Allen, ' That old Brindle, 
being prognosticated with an idea of the cholera, ripped 
and tared, snorted and pawed dirt, jumped the fence, tuck 
to the woods, and would not be impounded no hovr.' 

This Avas too much; the company roared agaiu, in which 
the Colonel was forced to join, and in the midst of the 
laughter Allen left the table, saying to himself as he went, 



PBESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 77 

**I reckon the Colonel won't ask me to impound any more 
oxen.' 



Lincoln and the Lost Apple. 

* On a late occasion when the White House was open to 
the public, a farmer from one of the border counties of 
Virginia, told the President that the Union soldiers, in 
passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, 
but his horse, and he hoped the President would urge the 
proper officer to consider his claim immediately. 

^ Why, my dear sir,' replied Mr. Lincoln, blandly, • I 
couldn't think of such a thing. If I consider individual 
cases, I should find work enough for twenty Presidents.' 

Bowie urged his needs persistently ; Mr. Lincoln de- 
clined good naturedly. 

' But,' said the persevering sufferer, ' couldn't you just 
give me a line to Col. about it? lust one line I' 

' Ha, ha, ha !' responded the amiable Old Abe, shaking 
himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way, 
' that reminds me of old Jack Chase, out in Illinois,' 

At this the crowd huddled forward to listen : 

' You've seen Jack — I know him like a brother — used 
^0 be lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and 
sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a 
trick twenty-five years ago, to take the logs over the ra- 
p'ds, but he was skillful with a raft and always kept her 
straight in the channel. Finally a steamer was put on, 
and Jack — he's dead now, poor fellow ! — was made cap- 
tain of her. He always used to take the wheel, going 
through the rapids. One day when the boat was plung- 



78 OLD abe's jokes, 

ing and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's 
atniost vigilance was being exercised to keep her in the 
aarrow channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him 
rit.h: 'Say, jMistcr Captain! I wish you would just stop 
four boat a minute — I've lost my apple overboard !* 



Enlisting Negroes in the Union Army. 

A slaveholder from the country approached an old ac- 
quaintance, also a slaveholder, residing in Nashville, the 
other day, and said : 

« I have several negro men lurking about here some- 
where. I wish you would look out for them, and when 
you find them do with them as if they were your own.' 

* Certainly I will,' replied his friend. 

A few days ago the parties met aguin, and the planter 
asked : 

' Have you found my slaves V 

< I have.' 

« And where are they ?' 

* Well, you told me to do with them just as if they were 
my own, and, as I made my men enlist in the Union array 
I did the same witli yours.' 

The astonished planter absquatulated. 



" Old Abe" on Temj/erance, 

The Twenty-first anniversary of the ' Sons of Temper- 
ance' was appropriately celebrated in Washington. The 
* Sons' on reaching the White House, were invited to 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 79 

enter the East room, which was nearly filled by the ladies 
and gentlemen participating in the ceremonies. President 
Lincoln, on entci'ing, was enthusiastically applauded, and, 
in the course of his re:^ponse to the address presented to 
Iiim, said that when he was a young man, long ago, bclbrc 
the Sons of Temperance, as an organization, liad an exist- 
ence, he in an humble way made Temperance specciies, 
and he thought he might say to this day he had never by 
his example belied what he then said. As to the sugges- 
tions for the purpose of the abandonment of the cause of 
temperance, he could not now respond to them. To pre- 
vent intemperance in the army is even a great part of the 
rules and articles of war. It is a part of the law of the 
land, and was so he presumed long ago, to dismiss officers 
for drunkenness. He was not sure that, consistently with 
the public service, more can be done than has been done. 
All, therefore, that he could promise, was to have a copy 
of the address submitted to the principal departments, and 
have it considered whether it contains any suggestions 
which will improve the cause of temperance, and repress 
drunkenness in the army any better than it is already 
done. He thought the reasonable men of the world had 
long since agreed that intemperance was one of the great- 
est, if not the very greatest, of all the evils among man- 
kind. That was not a matter of dispute. All men agreed 
that intemperance was a great curse, but difiered about 
the cure. The suggestion that it existed to a great extent 
was true, whether it was a cause of defeat he knew not; 
but he did know that there was a good deal of it on the 
other side. Therefore they had no right to beat us on 
'hat ground. (Laughter.) The remarks of the President 



80 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

were listened to with gieat interest and repeatedly inter- 
rupted by applause. 



How Bean Hackett was made a Zouave. 

I was put through a rigid course of examination before 
I could be made a Zouave, and I say it with feelings of 
gratification and self-esteem that I was remarkably well' 
posted in the catechism. My father was a hero of the rO' 
volution, having been caught once in a water-wheel, and 
whirled around rapidly a number of times. Others of the 
family have also distinguished themselves as military men 
at different periods, but their deeds of courage are too 
well-known to need repetition. 

The following is a copy verbatim et literatim ci wordem 
of most of the questions propounded to me and the answers 
thereto, which my intimate acquaintance with the Army 
Regulations and the Report of the Committee on the Con- 
duct of the War enable me to answer readily and accu- 
rately. My interrogator was a little man in Federal blue, 
with gold leaves on his shoulders. Th^y called him ]\Iajor, 
but he looked young enough to be a minor. He led off 
with — 

* How old are you, and what are your qualifications ?' 

* Twenty-two, and a strong stomach.' 

Then I requested him to fire his interrogations singly, 
which he did. 

* What is the first duty to be learned by a soldier ?' 

* How to draw his rations.' 

< What is the most difficult feat for a soldier to perform V 

* Drawing his bounty.' 



FRESH PROM ABRAMAM's BOSOM. 81 

' If you were in the rear rank of a company during an 
action, and the man in the front rank before you should 
be wounded and disabled, what would you do V 

* I would despatch myself to the rear for a surgeon im- 
Daediately. Some men would step forward and take the 
■wounded man's place, but that is unnatural.' 

« If you were coamianding skirmishers, and saw cavalry 
advancing in the front and infantry in the rear, which 
would you meet V 

« Neither ; I would mass myself for a bold movement 
and shove out sideways.' 

* If you were captured, what line of conduct would you 
pursue ? 

< I would treat my captors with the utmost civility.* 
« What are the duties of Home Guards ?' 
« Their duty is to see that they have no duties.' 
*■ What will you take ?' 

* Bourbon, straight !" 

Uncle Abe and the Judge. 

« In the conversation which occurred before dinner, I 
was amused to observe the manner in which Mr. Lincoln 
used the anecdotes for which he is so famous. Where men 
bred in courts, accustomed to the world, or versed in di- 
plomacy, would use some subterfuge, or would make a po- 
lite speech, or give a shrug of the slioulders as the means 
of getting out of an embarrassing position, Mr. Lincoln 
raises a laugh by some bold west- country anecdote, and 
moves off in the cloud of merriment produced by the joke. 
Thi's, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating apparently 



82 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

against tliC appointment of sonic indifferent lawyer to a 
place of judicial importance, the President interposed 
with, ' Come, now. Bates, he's not half as bad as you think. 
Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long 
ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one 
morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before 
me, and 1 had no horse. The judge overtook me in his 
wagon. 'Hallo, Lincoln ! are you not going to the court- 
house. Come in and I will give you a seat.' Well, I got 
in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently 
the wagon struck a stump on one side of the road ; then 
it hupped oft' to the other. I looked out, and I saw the 
driver was jerking from side to side in his scat : so says 1, 
* Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little 
drop too much this morning.' ' Well, 1 declare, Lincoln,' 
said he, ' 1 should not much wonder if you are right, for 
he has nearly upset me half-a-dozen times since starting.' 
So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, * Why, 
you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which 
pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravi- 
ty, the coacliman said. ' By gorra ! that's the firbt rightful 
decision that you have given for the last twelve month.' 
While the company were laughing, the President beat a 
quiet retreat from the neighborhood of the Attorney- 
General. 



The liberal und patriotic citizen wlio has been di'afted 
has purchased a gun which he says is very sure to go off — 
on another man's shoulders. 



PRESn FROM ABRAHAMS BOSOM. 88 



Mince Pies vs. Tracts. 

The President says his political friends often remind him 
of the following story : 

A rebel lady visited the hospital at Nashville one morn- 
ing with a negro servant, wlio carried a large basket on 
his arm, covered with a white linen cloth. She approach- 
ed a German and accosted him thus : 

' Are you a good Union man ?' 

' I ish dat,' Avas the laconic reply of the German, at 
the same time casting a hopeful glance at the aforesaid 
basKet. 

' That is all I wanted to know,' replied the lady, and 
beckoning to the negro to follow, slie passed to the 0])i)Osito 
side of the room, where a rel)cl soldier lay, and asked him 
the same question, to which he very promptly replied : 'Not 
by d— d sight.' The lady thereupon uncovered the basket 
and laid out a bottle of wine, mince pies, pound cake and 
other delicacies, wliich were greedily devoured in the 
presence of the Union soldiers who felt somewhat indig- 
nant. 

On the following morning, however, another lady made 
her appearance with a large covered basket, and she also 
accosted our German friend, and desired to know if he was 
a Union man. 

« I ish, by Got ; I no care what you got ; I bese Union.' 

The lady set the basket on the table, and our German 
friend thought the truth availed in this case, if it did fail 
in the other. But imagine the length of the poor fellow's 
face when the lady uncovered the basket and presented 



84 OLD abe's joees, 

him with about a bushel of ti acts. He shook his head 
dolefully aud said : 

« I no read English, und, peside dat rebel on 'se oder 
side of 'se house need tem so more as me.' 

The lady distributed them and left. 

Not long afterwards along came another richly dressed 
lady, who propounded the same question to the German. 
He stood gazing at the basket apparently at a loss for a 
reply. At length he answered her in Yankee style, as 
follows : 

' By Got, you no got me dis time ; vot you got mit the 
basket T 

The lady required an unequivocal reply to her question, 
and was about to move on when our German friend shouted 
out: 

< If you got tracts, I bese Union ; but if you got mince 
pie mit pound cake unt vine, I be sesech like de tibel.' 

Soldiers have little deire to read tracts when they are 
famished for the want of those little delicacies so conducive 
to the recovery of hospital patients. When our ladies visit 
hospitals with tracts, we should suggest the importance ot 
accompanying them with a basket of provisions ; they will 
be better appreciated. 



The Niggers and the Small Pox. 

I dropped in upon Mr. Lincoln and found him busily 
counting greenbacks. " This, sir,' said he, ' is something 
out of my usual line ; but a President of the United States 
has a multiplicity of duties not specified in the Constitu- 



FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 85 

tion or acts of Congress. This is one of them. This 
money belongs to a poor negro who is a porter in one of 
the Departments (the Treasury), and who is at present 
very bad with the small pox. He did not catch it from 
me, liowever ; at least I think not. He is now in hospital, 
and could not draw his pay because he could not sign his 
name. 

I have been at considerable trouble to overcome the 
difficulty and get it for him, and have at length succeeded 
in cutting red tape, as you newspaper men say. I am now 
dividing the money and putting by a portion labeled, in 
an envelope, with my own hands, according to his wish;' 
and his Excellency proceeded to endorse the package very 
carefully. No one who witnessed the transaction could 
fail to appreciate the goodness of heart which would 
prompt a man who is borne down by the weight of cares 
unparalleled in the world's history, to turn aside for a 
time from them to succor one of the humblest of his fellow 
creatures in sickness and sorrow. 



0- 



Why Lincoln didn't Scop the War. 

The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the 
inhabitants of that place, on tlieir first arrival, by teJling 
them yarns, of which the following is a sample : 

' Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the war, and 
invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground 
to discuss terms o! peace. They met accordingly, and 
after a talk concluded to settle the war by dividing the 
territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the 



86 OLD abe's jokes, 

Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard 
Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and 
Daris Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parceled 
off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it— Jeff, 
wouldn't have it, neither would consent to take it, and on 
that they split ; and the war has been going on ever 
since.' 



Lincoln's Estimate of the " Honors." 

As a further elucidation of Mr. Lincoln's estimate oJ 
Presidential honors, a story is told of how a supplicant 
for office, of more than ordinary pretentions, called upon 
him, and, presuming on the activity he had shown in be* 
half of tlie Republican ticket, asserted as a reason why 
the office should be given to him, that he had made Mr 
Lincoln President. 

« You made me President, did you ?' said Mr. Lincoln 
with a twinkle of his eye. ' I think I did,' said the appli- 
cant. ' Then a pretty mess you've got me into, that's all,* 
replied the President, and closed the discussion. 



Pring up de Shaclcasses, for Cot sake I 

President Lincoln often laughed over the following inci- 
dent : One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrot 
guns, supported by a squadron of horse commanded by 
Major Richards, was in a sharp conflict with a battery 
of the enemy near at hand, and shells and shot were flying 
thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a 



i 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 87 

German, one of Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to the 
cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms, ' Pring up 
de sliackasses, pring up de sbackasses, for Cot sake, hurry 
up de shackasso8 im-me-di-ate-ly.' The necessity of this 
order, though not quite apparent, will be more obvious 
%vhen it is remembered that the ' shackasses ' are mules, 
carrying mountain howitzers, which are tired from the 
backs of that much-abused but valuable animal ; and the 
immediate occasion for the ' shackasses ' was that two regi- 
ments of rebel infantry were at that moment discovered 
descending a hill immediately behind our batteries. The 
• shackasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and 
canister, were soon on the ground. The mules squared 
themselves, as they well knew how, for the shock. A ter- 
rific volley was poured into the advancing column, which 
immediately broke and retreated. Two hundred and 
seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine next 
day, piled closely together as they fell, the effects of that 
volley from the backs of the ' shackasses." 



Abe's Long Legs. 
When the President landed at Aquia Creek, going to 
Bee Burnside, there were boards in the way on the wharf, 
which the men hastened to remove, but the President re- 
marked, in his usual style, ' Never mind, boys; my legs 
are pretty long, have brought me thus far through life 
and I think they will take me over this difficulty.' 



88 OLD abe's jokes, 

The President and " Banks." 

Loquitur an eminent Pennsylvania Congressman : ' Sir, 
Banks is a failure, isn't lie ?' 

' Well, that is harsh,' responds the President ; ' but ho 
hasn't come up to my expectations.' 

' Then, sir, why don't you remove him V 

* Well, sir, one principal reason is, that it wovld hurt 
General Banks' feelings very much /' 



0- 



Old Abe's Noble Saying. 

' President Lincoln says many homely things and many 
funny things. His speech at the late ceremony in honor 
of the dead at Gettysburg proves that he can also say no- 
ble and beautiful things. Is not the following extract 
worthy, in its touching simplicity, of being handed down 
to the a^ies among the great sayings of great men : — ' The 
world will little note nor long remember what we say herCf but 
they can never forget what they did here,' 



" Where the D 1 are the Buggies." 

* The citizens of a small city in Pennsylvania, being 
thrown into considerable excitement by reason of the re- 
port that the rebels under Lee were advancing upon them, 
held a meeting for the purpose of organizing themselves 
into a regiment. During the organization of the regi- 
ment, the question of arms, ammunition, etc., was being 
discussed, when an old gentleman, very much excited, and 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 89 

towering head and shoulders above the crowd, exclaimed, 
in a stentorian voice : 'Are there not any cannons to de- 
fend the city ?' 

Voice from the crowd — ' Yes, but they are not mounted. 

Old Gent — ' Why ain't they mounted.' 

Voice from the crowd — 'Because we have no carriages. 

Old Gent — (Still louder and more excited) — *Then, 
where the devil are the buggies V 



"I Mean 'Honest Old Abe.'" 

' A good story is told of an old Cleveland deacon, who 
just after Lincoln started on his journey for Washington, 
went to an evening prayer meeting, and being somewhat 
in a hurry, went down immediately on his knees, and made 
an earnest prayer in behalf of the President of the United 
States, asking that God would strengthen him and bless 
him in all his undertakings. Rising from his kness he le.'t 
the church, apparently having an earnest call elsewhere. 
Presently he returned in a great hurry, and plumping 
again on his knees, thus addressed himself; ' Oh, Lord, it 
nK.y be as well for me to add as an explanation to my 
prayer just uttered, that by the President of the United 
States I mean honest old Abe Lincoln, and not that other 
chap who is yet sitting in the national po-'t', and for whom 
I don't care shucks. Amen.' 



99 Wii/ AU£io ^i>aMk 



Old Abe " C'8 " It. 

* I consoled ths President this morning by relating to 
Lim what an unfortunate letter ' C ' was in the Presiden- 
tial Chase. A joke— do you take? I related the late of 
Crawford, Calhoun, Clay and Cass. The Presidential eyo 
brightened up. I saw hope displayed in every lineament 
of his countenance. He replied, 'I 5ce it.' How quiclt 
he is at repartee. How pointed, too. I think the Presi- 
dential heart has beat easier since the administry of my 
last solace.' 



Lincoln's Ideas about Slavery. 

The siory will be ic-membered, perhaps, of Mr. Lincoln's 
reply to a Springfield (HI.) clergyman, who asked him 
what was to be his policy on the slavery question. 

' Well, your question is rather a cool one, but I will 
answer it by telling jou a story. You know Father B., 
the old Methodist prtiicher? and you know Fox river and 
its freshets? Well, once in the presence of Father B., a 
young Methodist was worrying about Fox river, and ex- 
pressing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling 
some of his appointments by a freshet in the river. Fath- 
er B. checked him in his gravest manner. Said he: 
* Young man, I have always made it a rule in my life not 
to cross Fox river till I get to it !' 'And,' said the PresL 
dent, ' I am not going to worry myself over the slavery 
question till I get to it.' A few days afterwards a 
Methodist minister called on the President, and on being 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 91 

>resented to him, said simply: < Mr. President, I have 
COLIC to tell you that I think -we have got to Fox river !' 
Mr. Lincoln thanked the clergyman and laughed heartily. 



Abe and the Distance to the Capitol. 

It is stated that he was much disgusted at the crowd of 
ofliccrs who sometime ago used to loiter about the "Wasli- 
iiigton hotels, and he is reported to have remarked to a 
member of Congress : ' These fellows and tlie Congressmen 
do vex me sorely.' Another member of Congress was con- 
versing with the President, and was somewhat annoyed by 
the President's propensity to divert attention from the se» 
rions subject he had on his mind by ludicrous allusions. 
' ^Ir. Lincoln,' said he, 'I think you would have your joke 
if yoa were witliin a mile of hell.' ' Yes, sir, that is about 
the distance to the Capitol.' 



Abe thinks T. R. Strong, but Coffee are stronger. 

It is told by an intelligent contraband, who is probably 
reliable, that Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania 
avenue the other day, relating « a little story' to Secretary 
Sewarrl, when the latter called his attention to a new sign 
jouiing the name of ' T. R. Strong.' ' Ha !' says old Abe 
his uountenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, ' T. R. 
Strong, but coffee are btronger.' Seward smiled, but made 
no reply. 



92 OLD abe's jokes. 



Putting Salt on the Monitor's Tall. 

War is a pretty serious busineFs; but they are not al- 
■vrays gloomy at the War Department. When the foolish 
rumor was current in Washington that the Monitor had 
been captured, the President walked over to the War De- 
partment and asked whether the report was true* 

' Certainly,' replied an officer with due gravity. 

' IIow did the rebels succeed in capturing her ?' asked 
the President. 

< By putting salt on her tail,' was the reply. 

The President's only answer was, ' I owe you one* 



Old Abe Never Heard of it Beforo, 

Some moral philosopher was telling the President one 
day about the undercurrent of public opinion. He went on 
to explain at length, and drew an illustration from the 
^Icditerranean Sea. The current seemed very curiously to 
flow in both from the Black Sea and the Atlantic Ocean, but 
a shrewd Yankee, by means of a contrivance of floats, had 
discovered that at the outlet into the Atlantic only about 
thiity feet of the surface water flowed inward, while there 
was a tremendous current under that flowing out. ' Well,' 
said Mr. Lincoln, much bored, ' that don't remind me of 
any story I ever heard of.' The philosopher des))aired of 
making a serious impression ly his argument, and left. 



FBESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 



Why Lincoln Appointed Fremont, 

General Fremont stood a very small chance of being 
assigned to a command. But fortunately for him, the Pres- 
ident one morning read in a Washington paper tlie speed 
of Col. Blair, M. C, upon the late commander in Missouri 
The President having attentively perused it, said to some 
one near him, ' Oh, this will never do; it's persecution.' 
Ho put the paper in liis pocket, walked over to the W'av 
Department, and in less than half an hour Major-Gcneral 
Fremont was appointed to the command of the Momitaia 
Department. 



Father Abraham's Good Clothes. 

At the beginning of the war John Perry, then a resi- 
dent of Georgia, was compelled to take the oath of alle- 
giance to the Southern Confederacy and agreed not to bear 
arms against it. He removed to West Troy soon after- 
wards and in September was drafted. Before the time of 
his appearance at Albany he wrote to the Provost Marshal 
Genert.l, Colonel Fry, stating the dilemma, and asking 
whether he could not be released from his obligation to 
serve Uncle Sam. The reply of Col. Fry has just been re- 
ceived. He states that he fully appreciates Mr. Perry's 
p';*sition, and has no idea of making him violate his oath. 
He kindly consents, therefore, that the coDtvjript Perry 



94 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

shall be sent to the Northwest to fight Indians ; but he 
can't for a moment think of absolving him from wearing 
' Father Abraham's good clothes.' 



The President says that Jeff is on his Last Legs. 

Because we gave him the grant (Grant) of Vicksburg 
and he couldn't hold it ; we gave him the banks (Banks) of 
Port Hudson and they destroyed his best gardncr (Gardner) 
and all he raised during the last two years; we gave hira 
mead (Meade) at Gettysburg and he couldn't swallow it; 
we have his best wagoner (Wagner) fast at Charleston ; 
compelled him to haul in his brag (Bragg) and get in the 
lee (Lee) of his rebel army. 



Old Abe on the Congressmsn. 

As the President and a friend were sitting on the House 
of Representatives steps, the session closed, and the mem- 
bers liled out in a body. Abraham looked after them with 
a sardonic smile. 

* That reminds me,' said he, 'of a little incident. When 
I was quite a boy, my flat-boat lay up at Alton, on the 
Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town I 
saw a large stone building, with massive walls, not so 
handsome, though, as this; and while I was looking at it, 
the iron gateway opened, and a great body of men came 
out. ' What do you call that?' 1 asked a by-stander. 
<That,' said he, 'is the State Prison, and those are all 
thieves, going home. Their time is up.' 



FRESH FEOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 95 



General Viele and a F"emale Rebel. 

General Egbert L. Viele, Governor of Norfolk, waa 
visited one day by a lady. He noticed that slie wore the 
confederate colors prominently in tlie shape of a brooch, 
and inildly suggested that it would, perhaps, have been in 
better taste to come to his office without sucli a decoration. 
*I have a right, sir, to consult my own wishes as to what I 
shall wear.* ' Then, madam,' replied the General, 'permit 
me to claim an equal right in choosing with whom 1 shall 
converse.' And the dignified lady had to withdraw from 
his presence. 



Lincoln on Vice and Virtu9. 

Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, 
and complimented him on having no vices, neither drink- 
ing nor smoking. ' That is a doubtful compliment,' an- 
swered the President ; ' I recollect once being outside a 
stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a 
segar. I told him I had no vices. lie said nothing, 
smoked for some time, and then grunted out. It's my ex- 
periencd that folks who have no vices have plagued few 
virtues.' 

Potomac ! Bottcmic ! I Buttermilk 

An amusing story is, told by Old Abe of the * Io',va 
First,' about the changes which a certain password undar- 
went about the time of the battle of Springfield. Ono t ' 



§6 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

the Dubuque officers, whose duty it was to furuish the 
guards with a password for the night, gave the word 
' Potomac ' A German on guard, not understanding dis- 
tinctly the diffofence between B's and P's, understood it 
to be ' Bottomic,' and this, on being transferred to ano- 
ther, was corrupted to « Buttermilk.' Soon afterward, the 
officer who had given the word wished to return through 
the lines, and on approaching a sentinel was ordered to 
halt and the word demanded. He gave ' Potomac' 
* Nicht right — you don't pass mit me dis way.' ' But tliis 
is the word, and I will pass.' ' No, you stan ;' at the 
same time placing a bayonet at his breast in a manner that 
told the officer that ' Potomac' didn't pass in Missouri. 
« What is the word, then ?' « Buttermilk.' * Well, then, 
Buttermilk.' « Dat is right ; now you pass mit yourself all 
about your piziness.' There was then a general overhaul- 
ing of the password ; and the diiference between Potomac 
and Buttermilk being understood, the joke became one of 
the laughable incidents of the campaign. 






Old Abe's Liquor for his Generals. 

A ' committee,' just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, 
Bolicitcus for the morale of our armies, took it upon them- 
selves to visit the Pre^-idcnt and urge the removal of Gen. 
Grant. « What for ?' said Mr. Lincoln. < Why,' replied 
the busy bodies, ' he drinks too much whisky.' ' Ah !' re- 
joined Mr. Lincoln, ' can you inform me, gentlemen, where 
General Grant procures his whisky V The ' committee ' 



FRESH FROM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 97 

confessed they could not. 'Because,' added Old Abe, with 
a merry twinkle in his eyes, ' If I can find out, I'll send 
every General in the field a barrel of it !' The delegation 
retired in reasonably good order. 



Who voted for Abe, or how the Rebels treat a Quaker anu a 
" Butternut." 

The following incident occurred at Salem, Ind., during 
the raid of John Morgan. Some of his men proceeded 
out west of the town to burn the bridges and water-tank 
on the railroad. On the way out they captured a couple 
of persons living in tlie country, one of whom was a 
Quaker. The Quaker strongly objected to being made a 
pri^or.er. Secesh wanted to know if he was not strongly 
opposed to the South. ' Thee is right,' said the Quaker, 
« I am.' 

* Well, did you vote for Lincoln?* 
*Thee is right; I did vote for Abraham.* 

* Well, what are you ?' 

* Thee may naturally suppose that I am a UDion man. 
Cannot thee let me go to my home ?' 

' Yes, yes ; go and take care of the old woman,' said 
Secesh. 

The other prisoner was taken along with them, but not 
elishing the summary manner in which the Quaker was 
disposed of, said, ' What do you let him go for? He is a 
Mack abolitionist. Now, look here, I voted for Breckin- 
ridge, and have always been opposed to this war. I am 
apposed to fighting the South, decidedly.' 



98 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

* You are,' said Secesh ; ' you are what they call around 
here, a Copperhead ; ain't you ?' 

*Ycs, yes,' said the Butternut, insinuatingly; 'that's 
what all my neighbors call me, and they know 1 ain't with 
them.' 

'Come here, Dave!' halloed Secesh. 'There's a But- 
ternut. Just come and look at him. Look lierc, old man, 
where do you live ? We want that horse you have got to 
spare, and if you have got any greenbacks, just shell 'em 
out,' — and they took all he had.' 



The President on Chase's Valentine. 

Secretary Chase, of the Treasury Department, found 
upon a desk in his oIBce what at first appeared to be a 
picture of an ' infernal machine,' looking very much like 
a goose, but which on closer examination proved to be a 
drawing of an ingenious invention for turning gold eagles 
into 'greenbacks,' with the Secretary himself operating 
it, and slowly feeding it with ' yaller boys' at one end, 
while the government currency came out at the other end, 
flying about like the leaves of autumn. While he was ex- 
amining it, the President came in, as he daily does, for 
consultation. Mr. Chase handed him tho drawing, and 
as the roguish eye of our Chief Magistrate recognised the 
likeness of the Secretary, he exclaimed — 

' Capital joke, isn't it, Mr. Chase?' 

* A joke,' said the irate financier, ' I'd give a thousand 
dollars to know who left it here.' 



PBE8H FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. v9 

' Oh, no,' responded Mr. Lincoln, ' you would hardly do 
that.' 

' Yes I would,' ah;sertcd the Secretary. 

' Would you, thougli,' inquired the President, with that 
deliberate manner that characterizes him when he ia 
really in earnest — ' well, which end would you pay f^f^niV 

The answer is not ' recorded.' 



Old Abe and the '' Brigadiers.** 
The President has been perpetrating one of his pungent 
sayings about that luckless wight, Brigadier-General 
Stoughton, who was so unceremoniously picked up by guer- 
illas. ' Pretty serious business, this, Mr. President,' said 
a visitor, ' to have a Brigadier-General captured at Fair- 
lax Court House !' • Oh, Ikat doesn't trouble me, was the 
response, * 1 can make a better Brigadier any time in five 
minutes ; but it did worry me to have all those horses 
taken. Why, sir, these horses cost us a hundred and 
twenty-five dollars a head !* 



Mr. Lincoln and Ihe " Mediums." 

* There is a secret, known only to a few, in reference to 
the mnnncr in which our armies fire commanded,' says a 
New York writer. ' Jlr. Lincoln has mediums in constant 
communication with the spirit world. Each military here 
has a. special medium. Not a battle has been fought, ex- 
cept under the direct command, not of McClellau, Scott. 



iOO OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

AIcDowelr, fope,W urnside, Hooker, and modern generals, 
but they have acted merely as lieutenants for the master 
war-spirits of the other world ! All the generals in tho 
other world were consulted by the spirits previous to 
Hooker's defeat, and the old adage proved true that too 
many cooks spoil the broth.' Napoleon and Wellington, 
and Generals Washington and Jaekson, were not at the 
council : Napoleon, because he did not understand Lincoln's 
English communications, and the Duke of Wellington, be- 
cause of his contempt for them, or that anybody ia supreme 
power should ask military advice. Generals Washington 
and Jackson would not give advice, because, though they 
were extremely annoyed at the dissolution of the Union, 
yet, as such a miserable fact had occurred, their friendly 
feelings were enlisted with their descendants on the side 
of the South. That Mr. Lincoln is guided altogether by 
spiritual advisers is now well known.' 



Old Abe's Generosity. 

While President Lincoln was confined to his house with 
the varioloid, some friends called to sympathise with him, 
especially on the character of his disease. • Yes,' he said, 
« it is a bad disease, but it has its advantages. For the 
first time since I have been in office, I have something now 
to give to every person that calls. 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. lOi 



Uncle Abe and the Pass to Richmond. 

A gentleman called upon the President, and solicited a 
pass for Richmond. ' Well,' said the President, ' I would 
be very happy to oblige, if my passes were respected ; but 
the fact is, sir, I have, within the past two years, given 
passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to 
Richmond, and not one has got there yet.' The applicant 
quietly and respectfully withdrew on his tip-toes. 



How Old Abe had never Read it. 

' The Loyal League Convention, which was in secret ses- 
sion in Washington, brought a strong pressure to bear on 
the President for the removal of some obnoxious members 
of the cabiuet on account of their supposed conservative 
views, and also for the appointment of a radical com- 
mander in Missouri, in place of Gen. Scofield. At an in- 
terview, a committee of the Leaguers indignantly asked 
the President whether he endorsed Mr. Blair's Rockville 
speech; to which he replied, that he 'had never read it.' 
The feelings of the excited radicals may be more easily 
imagined than described at this Lincolnian stroke, and 
they retired from the White House with no dim percep* 
tiou of the meaning of ' Abe's latest and best joke.' 



102 OLD abe's jokes, 



Mr. Lincoln and the Counterfeit Bill. 

* ?ome one was discussing tlic character of a copperhead 
c'criiyman, in the presence ol" Mr. Lincoln, a time-serving 
\\'a,<liingtoii clergyman. Says Mr. Lincoln to his visitor, 
'1 ihink you are rather hard upon Mr. Blank. He re- 
minds me of a man in Illinois who was tried for passing 
a coiinterleit bill. It was in evidence that before passing 
it he had taken it to the cashier of a bank and asked his 
opinion of the bill, and he received a very prompt reply 
that the bill was a counterfeit. II i3 lawyer who had 
heard of the evidence to be brought against his client, 
asked him just before going into court, * Did you take the 
bill to the cashier of the bank and ask him if it was 
gouil ? ' 1 did,' was the reply. ' Well — what was the re- 
|»ly of the cashii.'r ?' The rascal was in a corner, but he 
got out of it in this fashion: ' lie said it was a pretty, 
tolerable, respectable sort of a bill.' Mr. Lincoln thought 
the clergyman was ' a pretty, tolerable, respectable sort 
of a clergyman.' "We have a good many of that class in 
Washington, I fear, though, if anybody is going to make 
me prove this Til back down at once, for in theye times it 
is hard work to prove anything. If your neighbor is en- 
gaged in blockade running, you can't pi-ovc him a rebel ; 
and if he should chance to be a noisy war politician, you 
can't prove that he has sympathies even agu»ust the gov 
erumuut' 



PRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 101/ 



A Whole Nager. 

* At a negro celebration, an Irishman stood listening tc 
Fred. Douglass, who was expatiating upon Governineut 
and freedom, and as the orator came to a period rrom tlio 
liighcst political heights, the Irishman said : * Bedad, ho 
Bpakes well lor a nager.' 'Don't you know,' said one, 
Hhat he isn't a negro? he is only half negro.' 'Only a 
half nager, is he? Well, if a half nager can talk in that 
style, I'm thinking a whole nager might beat the prophet 
JeremiaL' 



Old Abe and the Blasted Powder. 

* A western correspondent writes: ' A visitor, congrat- 
ulating Mr. Lincoln on the prospects of his re-election, 
was answc<i'ed by that indefatigable story-teller with an 
anecdote of an Illinois farmer, who undertook to blast his 
own rocks. His first effort at producing an explosion 
proved a failure. He explained the cause by exclaiming, 
' Pshaw, this powder has been shot before '' 



' Hurrah for Abe Lincoln!' shouted a little patriot on 
Cedar street, the other day. 

'Hurrah for the Devil?' rejoined an indignant Southern 
sj'mpathiser. 

' All right,' said the juvenile ; ' you hurrah for your 
;man, and I'll hurrah for mine.' 



104 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 



The President's Repartee, 

A difctinsruished foreigner, dining at tlie Wliite House, 
wished. io congratulate President Lincoln on tlie self-pos- 
session of the hostess, and her apparent indifference to the 
peculiar vexations of her new position. Having an im- 
perfect knowledge of our language, he expressed his idea 
by saying : « Your Excellency's lady makes it very indif- 
ferent !' Observing the twinkle of the President's eye, he 
endeavored to correct his language, and immediately said 
with emphasis : * Your Excellency's lady has a very indif- 
ferent face !' 



" Salmon the Solemn," vs. Abraham the Jocular." 

The solemn versus t«e jocular are brought into curious 
juxtaposition by the present state of affairs. The com- 
mittee of ' the friends of Mr. Chase,' in their Ohio circular, ' 
call Mr. Lincoln ' our jocular President.' Against him 
they set up Mr. Chase, of whom a prominent Boston lawyer 
said some years ago, ' I don't like the Governor. He is 
too solemn — altogether too solemn.' More than a year 
ago, Mr. Lincoln said that he had just discovered that the ; 
initials of Salmon P. Chase mean shinplaster currency.. 
Perhaps he will now say that they mean «unplaster can-, 
didate. An old Greek rhetorician advises to answer your ( 
adversary's sober arguments with ridicule, and his ridicula ij 
with sober arsumeuU ' 



FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM- 105 



Old Abe " glad of it." 

A characteristic story of the President is narrated in a 
letter from "Washington. When the telegram from Cum- 
berland Gap reached Mr. Lincoln that 'firing was heard 
in the directon of Knoxville,' he remarked that he was 
'glad of it.' Some person present, who had the perils of 
Burnsidc's position uppermost in his mind, could not see 
why Mr. Lincoln should be glad of it, and 90 exprcFsed 
himself. ' Why, you see,' responded the President, ' it re- 
minds me of Mistress Sallie Ward, a neighbor of mine, 
who had a very large family. Occasionally one of her 
numerous progeny would be heard crying in some out-of- 
the-way place, upon which Mrs. Sallie would exclaim, 
* There's one of my children that isn't dead yet.' 



Old Abe's " Affair of Honor.'' 

Abraham Lincoln, at nineteen years of age, was six feet 
four in height, and so far exhibited the attributes of a ruler 
that he towered like Saul above his fellowa. He was 
once, and once only, engaged in what is fahx^y termed 
* an affair of honor.' A young lady of Sprin^^flcld wrote 
a paragraph in a burlesque vein in a local nec/fi^aper, in 
which General Shields was good-humourcdly ridiculed for 
his connexion with some public measure. 1 lie General 
was greatly incensed, and demanded of the editor the 
name of the offending party. The editor put him off with 
a request for twenty-four hours to consider the matter. 



106 OLD abe's jokes, 

and shortly afterwards, meeting Lincoln, told him his per 
plexity. « Tell him I wrote it,' said Lincoln; and tell hira 
he did. After a deal of diplomacy to get a retraction of 
the offensive parts of the paragraph in question, Shields 
Bent a challenge, which Limioln accepted, named broad- 
swords as the weapons, and an unfiequented, well-wooded 
island in the Mississippi- as the place. Old Abe was first 
on the ground, and when Sliieids arrived he found his an- 
tagonist, his sword in one hand and a hatchet in the other, 
with his coat oil", clearing away the undcrbiush ! Buforo 
the preliminary arrangements were complcteiJ, a Mr. Har- 
din, who somehow got wind of what was afloat, appeared 
on the scene, called them both d — d fools, and by his argu- 
ments addressed to their common sense, and by his ridicule 
of the figure that they, two well-grown, bearded men, were 
making there, dissuaded them from fighting. 



Mr. Lincoln's Disease. 

President Lincoln has really had tlie small-pox, but is 
able to have his joke regularly. ^Yhen the committee of 
Con«'-rcss waited on liim to announce their readiness to 
receive the message, the President was found in his private 
o2ice,clad in an old dressing-gown, and looking dilapidated 
generally. The chairman announced in a vei'y formal 
manner the object of the visit. It seemed to please the 
President mightily, and putting his harula deep in his 
breeches pockets, and throwing a leg over an arm of his 
chair, he replied ; ' Waal, if it is a matter of life and death 



FRESH FKOM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 107 

I can get it up to-day ; but if it isn't, I'd rather "wait till 
to-inorrou', for the fact is the boys haven't got through 
copying it yet.' It was not a matter of life and death, and 
the message was not sent in till Wednesday. Mrs. Lincoln 
did not evidently think lier husband was very sick, for she 
went to New York last week to do 'a little shopping.' 
While tliorc she lost her purse, containing a large sum of 
money, in the street. It was found and returned to her by 
a young patent claim agent of this city, and Mrs. Liucoln 
was ver}' profuse in her thanks and olfers of assistance. 
The freedom of the White House was tendered to the 
voung man, who, if he isn't too bashful, may consider hia 
fortune made. 



"The President was Reminded." 

A gentleman was telling at the White House how a 
friend of his had been driven away from New Orleaus as 
a Unionist, and how, on his expulsion, when he asked to 
see the writ by which he was expelled, the deputation 
which called on him told him that t.'ie government I ad liiade 
up their minds to do nothing illega', and so they had issued 
no illegal writs, and simply mean to make him go of his 
own fiee will. ' Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, ' that reminds 
me of a hotel-keeper down at St. Louis, who boasted that 
he never had a death in his hotel, for whenever a guest 
was dying in his house he carried him out to die in the 
street.' 



108 OLD abe'b jokes, 



President Lincoln on Grant's New Sword. 

Just before Grant's arrival, Representative "Wasliburne 
took to the WJiite House a handsome sword, presented to 
General Grant by some admirers in Illinois, to show the 
President and Mrs. Lincoln. « Yes,' said the President, 
* it is very pretty. It will do for a Commander-in-Chief.' 
Old Abe then turned to a general officer then present and 
asked him if he had had any sword presentation lately. 
The reply was 'I have not.' 'Humph,' said Abe, 'that's 
a joke then that you haven't seen the point of yet.' 






Abraham's Going to Pot. 

* A deputation of gentlemen from New York waited 
apon Old Abe with the determination to impress his mind 
with the great injustice done their department of trade b^ 
the Committee on Taxation. 

* Gentlemen,' said the President, ' why do joo come to 
me? The committee will hear you and do you justice. I 
cannot interfere.' 

« But,' urged the spokesman, ' if they are going to tax 
all the commodities of life, — ' 

' My friends,' responded the rail-splitter, ' if thoy tax 
all t.he necessaries, I'm afraid we must all go to poU* 



I 



miESH FKOM ABKAMAM'S B030V. 109 



Old Abe's " Mistakes." 

^Old Abe being questioned one day in rcf^ard to some 
C liis reputed ' mistakes' replied, 'That reminds me of a 
rr.inister and a lawyer who were riding together; says tho 
minister to the lawyer — 

» Sir, do you ever make mistakes in pleading V 

* I do,' says the lawyer. 

* And what do you do with mistakes ?' inquired the min- 
ister. 

* "Why, sir, if large ones, I mend them ; if small ones, I 
let them go,' said the lawyer. ' And pray, sir,' continu- 
ed he, ' do you ever make mistakes in preaching?' 

* Yes, sir, I have.' 

* And what do you do with mistakes?' said the lawyer. 
' Why, sir, I dispose of them in the same manner that 

you do. Not long since,' continued he, ' as I was preach- 
ing, I meant to observe that the devil was the father of 
liars, but made a mistake, and said the father of lawyers. 
The mistake was so small that I let it go.' 



Speaking of the Time. 

* When Mrs. Yallandigham left Dayton to join her 
Husband, just before the election, she told her friends that 
she expected never to return until she did so as the wife 
of the Governor of Ohio. 



110 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

Mr. Lincoln is said to have got off the following :— 
* That reminds me of a pleasant little affair that occurred 
out in Illinois.' 

A gentleman was nominated for Supervisor. On leav- 
ing home on the morning of election, he said — _ 

« Wife, to-night you shall sleep with the Supervisor of | 
this town.' / 

The election passed, and the confident gentleman was 
defeated. The wife heard the news before her defeated 
spouse returned home. She immediately dressed for going 
out, and waited her husband's return, when she met him 
at the door. 

' Wife, where are you going at this time of night?' he 
exclaimed. 

' Going ?» she replied, ' why, you told me this morning 
that I should to-night sleep with the Supervisor of this 
town, and as Mr. L. is elected instead of yourself, I was 
going to his house.' 

She didn't go out, and he acknowledged he was sold, ^ 
but pleasantly redeemed himself with a new Brussels 
carpet. 



I 



Old Abe's Uncle. 

• My deceased uncle,' says Old Abe, ' was the most polite 
gentleman in the world. He was making a trip on the 
Iklissiscippi when the boat sank. He got his head above 
the water for once, took off his hat, and said, « Ladies and 
gentlemen, will you please excuse me V and down he 
went' 



tRtiaa FBOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. Ill 



Old Abe seeing the difficulty. 
A very aniuseing scene was witnessed at the grand 
military dinner given at the Executive Mansion in honor 
of Lieutenant General Grant soon after his arrival here. 
After the guests had assembled and a brilliant array of 
well known militnry men appeared, in accordance with 
the President's iuvitation, to assist in the ceremonies of 
the evening, it was founrd, to the surprise of everybody 
that General Grant was not there. lie had suddenly 
taken wings for the West. Everybody looked disappoint- 
ed. Among the major generals present were Halleck, 
Meade, Wool, McCook, Crittenden, Sickles, Hunter, Burn- 
side, Blair, Doubleday, Ogilsby, Wallace and others. 
When it was announced that Grant Avas not coming the 
generals looked at the President and the President at the 
generals. Presently Mr. Lincoln said ; — ' Gentlemen, 
this is the play of Hamlet with Hamlet left out. We ex- 
pected Grant here, but he couldn't stay.' The company 
had assembkd, however, the curtain was rt^ised, and the 
play must go on. But who would play the part of Ham- 
let ? In plainer language, a lieutenant general was ex- 
pected, but he would not be present. Old Abe, seeing 
the difficulty, said that if it was necessary to have a 
Hamlet he would call upon Major General Halleck at 
short notice, as the managers say, to fill that part. Hal- 
leck, who wore three stars on each shoulder, put on a 
most complacent appearance and ' kindly consented' to 
assume the role of the principal character. And so the 
play went on, with Halleck as Hamlot. 



113 OLD abe's jokes. 



Cne of Abe's Anecdotes. 

Well,' said a gentleman to Old Abe, <we had tL« 
nigger served up in every style last session.' 

' Yes,' broke in tl)e Executive, as his eyes twinkled, 
' ending oif with the fire- cussee style.' 

' I hope,' resumed the gentleman, 'I hope we shall have 
something new now.' 

' There was a man down in Maine,' said the President, 
*who kcp' a grocery store, and a lot of fellows used to 
loaf around that for their toddy. Well, he only gave 'em 
New England rum, and they drinked a pretty considera- 
ble of it. But after a while they began to get tired of 
that and kep' asking for something New — something New; 
all the time. Well, one night, when the whole crowd 
was around, the grocer, he sot out his glasses, and says 
he, 'I've got something New for you to drink, boys.* 
* Honor bright,' says they. ' Honor bright ' says he ; 
and with that he sot out a jug. 'Thar,' says he, 'that's 
something New ; it's iVet^-England rum !' says he. ' Now,' 
remarked Abraham, shutting one eye, ' I guess we're a 
good deal like that crowd, and Congress is a good deal 
like that store-keeper \" 



< What soldiers are these V asked Lincoln as a regi- 
ment marched by. ' Why, they belong to the new levee 
for the Banks of tbe Mississippi,' replied a ' mudsill' stand- 
ing near. 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM 113 



How Old Abe Settled the Point. 

Tlie town is laughing at an amusing story of a recent 
interview between Mr. Lincoln and the president of the 
Baltimore and Ohio railroad. ' The draft has fallen with 
great severity upon the employes of our company,' said 
the R. R. President. ' Indeed !' responded the President 
of the U. S. ' If something is not done to relieve us, it is 
hard to foresee the consequences.' 'Let them pay the 
commutation.' 'Impossible! the men can't stand such a 
tax.' * They have a rich company at their back, and 
that's more than other people have.' * They ought to be 
exempted, because they are necessary to the working of 
the road for the government.' ' Tiiat can't be.' ' Then 
I will stop the road.' * If you do, I will take it up and 
carry it on.' The discussion is said to have dropped at 
this point, and the very worthy president is still working 
the road as successfully as ever. 



Old Abe was once canvassing for himself, for a local 
ofEce, when he came to a blacksmiths shop. 

' Sir,' said he to the blacksmith, < will you vote for 
me?' 

< Mr. Lincoln,' said the son of Vulcan, * I admire your 
Load, but damn your heart!* 

* Mr. Blacksmitli,' returned Abe, ' I admire your can- 
dor, but damn your manners!' 



114 01. n ABE'S JOKES.' 



The President's Interview with a New Yorker. 

A man from New York tells of an interview he had 
with the President. ' Bow are you,' said he. 'I saw 
your card, but did not see you. I was glad, however, 
that you carded me, and I was reminded of an anecdote 
of Mr. Whittlesey. When Mr. Cox, then a young man, 
first came here, Mr. Whittlesey said to him: *Sir, have 
you carded the senators ?' * No sir ; I thought 1 would 
curry favor first, and then comb them.' < It is no joking 
matter, sir,' said Mr. Whittlesey, seriously. It is your 
duty to card the senators, sir ; and it is customary I 
believe, to card the cabinet also, and you ought to do it, 
sir. But ' he added, after a moment's thought, » I think I 
am wrong ; the cabinet may card you.' 



Cool. — A gentleman visiting an hospital at Washington 
hearing an occupant of one of the beds laughing and talk- 
ino- about the President. He seemed to be in such good 
spirits that the gentleman remarked, ' You must be very 
slightly wounded ?' 'Yes,' said the brave fellow, *very 
slightly — I have only lost one leg.' 



Old Abe's " Slap at Chicago. 

Mr. Lincoln relates the following : 

' Some years ago, when Chicago was in its infancy, a 
Btran«"er took up his quarters at tlie principal hotel, and 
inscribed his name on the register as Mr. J , of St. 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 115 

Loui«?. For several days he remained there, engaged in 
transactiiig the business which had brought him to the 
place, and from his exceedingly plain dress, manners and 
general appearance, attracted but little attention. 

Soon I\Ir. J was suddenly seized with illness, dur 

ing which he was sadly neglected by his host; and the 
servants taking their tone from the master of the house, 
left him to shift for himself as best he could. Thus mat- 
ters went on, till one morning he was past praying for ; 
his papers were then examined, that the sad intelligence 
might be communicated to his friends ; when to the sur- 
prise of all ho was found to bo one of the wealthiest men 
in the western country. 

Arrangements were accordingly made for the funeral ; 
but before the last rites were performed, the subject came 
to life again, having been the victim of catelepsy, instead 
of the grim ' King of Terror.' All were overjoyed at his 
fortunate escape from so dreadful a fate, and from that 
time wero profuse in their expressions of solicitude, elicit- 
ed, however, we judge, by « documentary evidence,' rather 
than by any personal regard. 

At length some one ventured to ask, how things ap- 
peared to him while in his trance, to which he thus 
replied* 

' I thought 1 had come to the river of death, where I 
met an angel who handed me a jewel to serve as a pass to 
the other side. On giving this to the ferryman, I received 
from him another which carried mo further another stasre 
in my journey. Going on thus for several sta<,;es, receiv- 
ing at the termination of each, a ticket for the succeeding 



110 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

one, I at last reached the gate of the Heavenly City! 
There 1 found St. Peter, who opened the door at my sum- 
mons, pipe in mouth, seated by a small table, on which 
stood a goodly mug of steaming whiskey toddy.' 

Good morning, sir,' said he very politely. 

Good morning, St. Peter,' said I. 

V/ho are you, sir V said he, turning over the leaved of 
a liujje ledger. , 

My name is J .' 

Very good, sir ; where do you live down below 

I lived at St. Louis, in the State of Missouri.* 

Very well, sir; and where did you die?' 

I died at Chicago, in Illinois.' 

Chicago ?' said he, shaking his head, ' there's no sucl 
place, sir.' 

I beg your pardon, St. Peter, but have you a map of 
the United States here V 

Yes, sir.' 

Allow me to look at it.* 

Certainly, sir.' 

With that he handed down a splendid atlas, and I 
pointed out Chicago on the map. 

All right, sir,' said he, after a moment's pause; *it3 
there, sure enough, so walk in, sir ; but I'll be blest if you 
ain't the first man that has ever come here from that 
place !' ^ 

Thus ended Mr. J 's account of his transition state ; 

and no more questions were asked. *' 



fRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 117 



Where Abe said it had gone. 

When the Sherman expedition which captured T*ort 
Eoyal was fitting, there was great curiosity to learn where 
it had gone. A person visiting the Chief Magistrate at 
tlic White House importuned him to disclose the destina- 
tion to him. ' Will you keep it entirely secret?' asked the 
President. « Oh, yes, upon my honor.' 'Well,' said the 
President, « I'll tell you.' Assuming an air of great mys- 
tery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept him a mo- 
mentawaiting the revelation with an open moutii and great 
anxiety. ' Well,' said he in a loud whisper which was 
heard all over the room, ' the expedition has gone to — 
sea!' 



A tall one by Old Abe. 

That reminds us of the following story that has been 
told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere when a crowd called him 
out. He came out on the balcony with his wife, (who ia 
somewhat below medium heigiit,) and made the following 
« brief remarks': 'Here I am, and here is Mrs. Liucoln. 
That's the long and short of it.' 



Abraham tells a Story. 

Pr. Hovey, of Dansvillc, N. Y., thought he would call 
and see the President, and on arriving at the White House 
found him on horseback, ready for a stai't. Approachin"- 
Uim, he said : 



118 OLD abb's jokes, 

* President Lincoln, I thought I would call and see you 
before leaving the city, and hear you tell a story.' 

The President greeted him pleasantly, and asked where 
he was from. 

< The reply was : ' From Western New York.' 

« Well, that's a good enough country without stories,' 
replied the President, and off he rode. That was the 
story. 



Mr. Lincoln and the Georgetown Prophetest. 

The President, like old King Saul when his term was 
about to expire, seems in a quandary concerning a further 
lease of office. I lean that he has consulted again the 
'prophetess' of Georgetown, immortalized by his patron- 
age. She retired the other night to an inner chamber, and 
alter raising and consulting more than a dozen of dis- 
tinguished spirits from Hades, she returned to the recep- 
tion-parlor where the Chief Magistrate awaited her, and 
declared that Gen. Grant would capture Riclimond, and 
that Honest Old Abe would be next President. She, how- 
ever, as the report goes, told him to beware of Chase. 






Sala. 

It is reported that Old Abe let off a joke at George 
Augustus Sala. It seems that eminent Bohemian, in a per- 
severing search after information, learned to his astonish- 
ment that all our cavalrymen are furnished with a borse 
and two Colts each ; and his appetite duly whetted by tJu8 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 119 

novel discovery, he made bold to inquire, in the presence 
of Old Abe, what branch of the service the Americans had 
experienced the most difficulty in becoming adepts? 

' Engineering,' said the President, ' but unlike you Eng- 
lishmen we experience little difficulty in building up that 
most essential thing an enduring magazine.' 

The eminent George is said to have hemmed once or- 
twice, in some doubt as to the exact application of this. 



A Tight Squeeze. 

President Lincoln says the prospect of his election for a 
second term reminds him of old Jake Tullwater who lived 
in 111. Old Jake got a fever once, and he became deliri- 
ous, and while in this state he fancied that the last day 
had come, and he was called to judge the world. With 
all the vagaries of insanity he gave both questions and 
answers himself, and only called up his acquaintances, the 
millers, when something like this followed : 

' Shon Schmidt, come up here ! Vat bees you in dis 
lower worlds?' 

« Well, Lort, I bees a miller.' 

* Well, Shon, did you ever take too much toll?' 

' Oh, yes Lort, when the water was low, and the stones 
were dull, I did take too much toll.' 

' Well, Shon,' old Jake would say, ' You must go to the 
left among the goats.' 

So he called up all he knew and put them through the 
Bame course, till finally he came to himself: 



120 OLD abe's jokes, 

« Shake Tullwater, come up here ! "Well, Shake, what 
bees you in tliis lower world V 
« Well, Lord, I beee a miller.' 

* And, Shake, didn't you ever take too much toll V 

' Ah, yes, Lort, when the water was low, and the stones 
was dull, I did take too much toll.' 

' Well, Shake— well Shake (scratching his head) — well 
Shake, what did you do mit dat toll.' ^ 

* Well, Lort, I gives him to de poor.' 

<Ah! Shake — gave it to the poor, did you? Well 
Shake, you can go to the right among the sheep — hut it's a 
tam'd tight squeeze !' 

At it with a Will. 

The President and Secretary of State were closeted 
together, overwhelmed by the affairs of the nation. 

< Seward, you look puzzled,' said Secretary Chase as he 
entered and found that able functionary half buried 
among papers, scratching his liead and biting his pen. 

' Never fear,' quoth Old Abe, laugliing gaily and snap- 
ping the Secretary of State approvingly on the back. 
< Where there's a Will there's a way !' 


President Lincoln-, in replying to the St. Louis delega- 
tion, which recenlZj waited on him to urge the prosecution 
of the war on ultra Abolition principles, replied that ' he 
had more pegs than lie had holes to put them in.' This an- 
swer is peculiarly aifpropriate, as the Abolitionists, since 
the commencement r,V hostilities, have been so much en- 
gaged in stealing ac fir render the war nothing but a game 
of cribbage. 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM 121 



Old Abe and the Bull-Frogs. 

*A few days a;:-o, Paine, a lawyer of some note in Cin- 
cinnati, paid a visit to the Presidential mansion, that lie 
mi-ht return with his garments si^entcd with loyal per- 
fume to tlie Porko|)()lis Courts. 

During- the interview the President asked him what was 
the I'feling of the peo{)lc of Ohio in reference to the Pi-cs- 
idential election. Mr. Paine informed him that the gr'^at 
talk about Chase all amounted to nothing. At this an- 
nouncement the President seemed well pleased and rub- 
bing his hands, he exclaimed, ' That reminds me of a story. 
Some years ago two Irishmen landed in this country, and 
taking the way out into the interior after labor, came sud- 
denly near a pond of water, and to their great horror 
they heard some bull-fi-ogs singiug their usual song, — 
B-a-u-m ! — B-a-u-m ! — B-a-u-m ! They listened and trem- 
bled, and feeling the necessity of bravery they clutched 
their shellalies and crept cautiously forward, straining 
their eyes in every direction to catch a glimpse of the 
enemy, but he was not to be found. At last a happy idea 
came to the most forward one and he sprang to his mate, 
and exclaimed, « and sure, Jamie, it is my ouinion it's no- 
thing but a noise.' 

Knowing too Much. 

President Lincoln while entertaining a few se'ect 
friends is said to have related the following anecdote of a 
man who knew too much. 



122 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 

« 

During the administration of President Jackson, tliero 
was a singular young gentleman employed in the public 
Post Office at Washington. His name was G. ; lie was 
from Tennessee, the son oi a widow, a neighbor of the 
President, on which account the old hero had a kind 
feeling for him, and always got out of Ins difficulties with 
isome of the higher officials, to whom his singular interfer- 
ence was distasteful. 

Among other things, it is said of him that while he was 
employed in the General Post Office, on one occasion he 
had to copy a letter to Major H., a high official, in answer 
to an application made by an old gentleman in Virginia 
or Pennsylvania for the establishment of a new post office. 
The writer of the letter said the application could not be 
granted, in consequence of the applicant's ' proximity' to 
another office. When the letter came into G.'s hands to 
copy, being a great stickles for plainness, he altered 
'•proximity' to « nearness to.' Major H. observed it, and 
asked G. why he altered his letter. 

' Why,' replied G., because I don't think the man would 
understand what you meant by proximity.' 

' Well,' said Major H., ' try him ; put in the ' proximity, 
again.' 

In a few days a letter was received from the applicant, 
in which he very indignantly said, ' that his father had 
fought for liberty in the second war of independence, and 
he should like to have the name of the scoundrel who 
brought the charge of proximity or anything else w^^ng 
against him. There,' said G. ' did I not say so ?' 

G. corned his improvements so far that Mr. Berry, the 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 123 

Postmaster General said to him, ' I don't want fou any 
longer, yon know too much.' 

Poor G. went out, but his old friend, the General got 
him another place. This time G's ideas underwent a 
change. He was one day very busy writing, when a 
stranger called in and asked him where the Patent Office 
was? 

' I don't know,' said C. 

' Can you tell me where the Treasury Department is ?' 
Raid the stranger. 

' No,' said G. 

*_Nor the President's house V 

''No.' 

The stranger finally asked him if he knew where the 
Capitol was. 

' No,' replied G. 

* Do you live in Washington, sir ?' said the stranger. 

* Yes. sir,' said G. 

' Good Lord ! and don't you know where the Patent 
Office, Treasury, President's House, and Capitol are ?' 

' Stranger,' said G. ' I was turned out of the Post'office 
for knowing too much. I don't mean to offend in that 
way again. I am paid for keeping this book. I believe 
[ do know that much ; but if you find me knowing any- 
thing more, you may take my head.' 

* Good morning,' said the stranger. 



-724 o'.r Arp's jokes, 



LCr.CC> and the Cariosity Seeker. 

In answer to a uui-iositv ssekt. ♦v^ho desired a permit to 
pass the lines to risit the fisld of Bull Run after the first 
battle, Mr. Lincoln made tko following reply as his an- 
swer : 

A man in Cortland t county raised a porker of such 
unusual size that strargero went out of their way to see it. 
One of them the other day met the old gentleman and 
inquired about the animal. ' Wally yes,' the old fellow 
said ; ' he'd got such a critter, mi'ty bfg un ; but he guess- 
ed he would have to charge himabouC ashillin' for lookin' 
at him.' The stranger looked at the cid man for a min- 
ute or so ; pulled out the desired coin, banded it to him 
and started to gooff. 'Hold on,' said the other; 'don't 
you want to see the hog V * No,' said llic stranger, ' I 
have seen as big a hog as I want to nee !' 

And you will find that fact the case with yourself, if 
you should happen to see a few iivt rsbels there as well 
as dead ones. 



Old Abe and the Copprrhead. 

A certain politician being rather loud in his denuncia- 
tions of the administration in the prca'(i3'iii-'s hearing a 
short time since, he convoyed a very w!iolojii"C itssoa in 
the following story, thcie was a Dutch far.iicn o'-ce wjio 
being just clad in the ermine of a justice of pcAvc^ Iv^*? !vr 
first marriage in this way ; 



PRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 125 

■ ' Veil, you -want to be marrit, do you ?' 

* Yes,' answered the man. 

* Veil, do you lovish dis voman as goot as any voman 
you liave ever seen ?' 

* Yes.' 

Tlien to the woman: 

« Veil, do you love this man so better as any man you 
have ever seen V 

She hesitated and he repeated : 

* VelJ, veil do you like him so veil as to be his wife?' 
< Yes, yes,' she answered. 

* "V ell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect ; so 
you arp marvit. 1 pronounce you man and wife.' 

The man drew out his pocliet-book and asked the justicg 
what was to pay. 

* Nothing at all, nothing at all, you arc welcome to it if 
it will do you any goot.' 



In speaking of certain odd doings in the Army, Old 
Abe said that reminded Mm of another story, as follows; 

On one occasion, when a certain General's purse was 
getting low, he remarked that he would be obliged to 
draw on his banker for some money. * How much do you 
want, father?' said the boy. *I think I shall send for a 
couple of hundred,' replied the General. 'Why, father,* 
said his son very quietly, ' I can let you have that amount.' 
You can let me Lave it!' cxclairccd Ihc General in sur- 
prise; 'Where dif. you get so much money?' '1 won it 
Rt playing draw poker with your staff, sir!' replied the 



126 OLD abe's jokes, 

hopeful youth. It is needless to say that the 9-40 train 
next morning bore the ' gay young gambolier' toward his 
home. Do you see the point. 



Old Abe and the Woodcock. 

The President one day dined at Richmond. When the 
landlord produced his bill, he thought it very exorbi- 
tant, and asked his name,' « Partridge! an't please you, re- 
plied the host. 'Partridge!' said he; * it should be 
woodcock, by the length of your bill.' 



-o — 



Old Abe and the Set Speech. 

The President being recently importuned to deliver a 
set speech for a certain specified purpose, said that the 
request reminded him of an old story he once heard of a 
couple of U. S. Senators. 

It was on one of tho?e memorable days when the Kan- 
sas-Nebraska bill was being debated, Senator Seward 
tapped Douglas on the shoulder, and whispered in his car 
that he had some « Bourbon' in the Senator's private room 
which was twenty years old, and upon it he desired to get 
Dfuglas's judgment. The 'little giant' declined, stating 
that he meant to speak in a few minutes, and wished his 
brain unclouded by the fumes of liquor. At the conclu- 
sion of his speech Douglas sank down exhausted in his 
chair, hardly conscious of the congratulations of those who 
flocked around him. At this juncture Seward eoiacd *' 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 127 

orator's arm, and bore him oflf to the Seuatorial sanc- 
tum. 

* Here's the Bourbon, Douglas,' said Seward ; ' try some 
— its sixty years old.' 

'Seward,' remarked Douglas, 'I have made to-day the 
longest speech ever delivered ; history has no parallel for 
it.' 

' How is that?' rejoined Seward, ' You spoke about two 
hours only !' 

' Don't you recollect that a moment pefore 1 obtained 
the floor you invited me to partake of some Bourbon 
twenty years old, and now immediately after closing my 
r'^-aarks, you extend to me some of the same liquor, with 
*ie assertion that it is sixty years old! a forty years 
speech was never delivered before/ 

Seward acknowledged the 'corn,' and the two enemies 
(politically) smiled.' 



Mr. Lincoln being found fault with for making another 
'call' said that if the country required it, he would con- 
tinue to do so until the matter stood as described by a 
Western Provost Marshal out West who says ; 

' I listened a short time since, to a butternut clad indi- 
vidual, who succeeded in making good his escape, expati- 
ate most eloquently on the rigidness with which the con- 
scription was enforced south of the Tennessee river. His 
response to a question propounded by a citizen ran some- 
what in this wise : ' Do they conscript close over the 
river ?' ' Hell, stranger, I should think they did ! They 
take every man who hasn't been dead more than two daus/' if 



128 OLD abe's jokes, 

this is correct the confederacy has at least a ghost of a 
chance left.' 

And of another, a methodist minister in Kansas, living on 
a small sa!ar\', who was greatly troubled to get his quarter- 
ly instalment. He at last told the non-paying trustees 
that he must have his money, as lie was suffering for the 
necessaries of life. ' Money !' replied the trustees, ' you 
preach for money ?' We thought you preached for the 
g:od of souls!' 'Souls'' responded the reverend. 'I 
can't eat souls — and if I could, it would take a thousind 
such as yours to make a meal !' That soul is the poiut, 
sir, said the President. 



Mr. Lincoln Tellelh Another Story, 

Judge Baldwin, of California, an old and highly respec- 
table and sedate gentleman, called a few days since on Gen. 
Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar acquaintance in 
California a few years since, solicited a pass outside of our 
lines to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he 
would meet with a refusal, as both his brother and himself 
■were good Union men. ' We have been deceived too often,' 
said General Halleck, 'and I regret I can't grant it.' 
Judge B. then went to Stanton and was very briefly dis- 
posed of with the same result. Finally he obtained an in- 
terview with Lincoln, and stated his case ' Have you ap- 
plied to General Halleck?' inquired the President. ' And 
met with a flat refusal,' said Judge B. « Then you must 
see Stanton,' continued the President. ' I have, and with 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 1^9 

the same result,' was the reply. * Well, then,' said Old 
Abe, with a smile of ffood humor, 'I can do nothing; for 
yoti must know that I have very little ivjluence with this Ad- 
ministration.* 



The Vice-President. 

Vice-President ITamlin must get some new clothes. 
During a recent visit to Boston an acquaintance who ap- 
preciated the character of the man rather than the exter- 
nal evidences of position and power, passing him in the 
street met a jolly Jack in full naval costume. Thinking 
it might be gratifying announcement, our friend pointed to 
the Vice-President, saying : 

' Th'^re, my boy, is Mr. Hamlin, the Vice-President.' 

Jack looked doubtful and dubious for a moment, and 
then indignantly said : 

« Tell that to the marines. Do you suppose that your 
Uncle Abraham would let the Vice-President loose in that 
Fortof rig; see, he's got a cable tier kink in his hat, and 
he's pretty darned seedy all over. If he isn't one of Jeff 
Davis's guerrillas, he's in danger of being picked up for 
one, if he goes where Uncle Sam's men keep their weather 
eye open.' 



President Lincoln Presented with a Pair of Socks. 

At the Presidential reception on Saturday, Major French 
presented to the President a pair of woollen socks, kuit 



130 UNCLE ABE's jokes, 

expressely for the President by Miss Addie Brockway, of 
Newbury port, Mass. On the bottom of each was knit the 
secession flag; and near the top the glorious stars and 
stripes of our Union, so that when worn by the President 
he will always have the flag of the rebellion nnder hs feet. 
These socks were sent by the maker to Mrs. Wm. B. Todd, 
of this city, and at her request Major French presented 
them with a few appropriate remarks. They were most 
pleasantly and graciously received by the President. 



LincoFn's First and Last r.'"3ht in New Orleans. 

« The cholera was raging at the time I last visited New 
Orleans 'Twas just dusk and everything seemed unusual 
quiet. I met but few people as I hurried on to the St. 
Charles, which I found after repeated enquiries. Every- 
thing had a neglected, descri I, wo-begone look which 
was rather home-sickening. So I supped, called for a 
room and went to bed but not to oleep, for thi musquetoes, 
oh! horrors, were as thick as bees in a hive ; they bit, bit, 
bit, till I felt as if every pore in my body was furnishing 
supper to a horde of savages. In vain I sloped and fought, 
they were too much for me, I dressed myself, determined 
to walk the streets till morning before I would suffer such 
torment It was not very dark nor very light, just suffi- 
cient to discrn objects when your eyes became accustomed 
to tlu' darkness ; I had barely emerged into the street when 
I hit my foot against something and fell full length an-oss 
it on the walk; picking myself up I began to feel t' <v.<i 



FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S ROSOM. 131 

what it was ; just then a light appeared with two men bear 
ing a coffin, which was placed on the one I had lallenover 
my first impulse was to get back to my room, but the 
knowledge of the infernal insects which infested it deter- 
ed me, and I hastened on ; I had not gone far when I fetch- 
ed bolt upright. Well, this is queer, I thought, no more 
coffins I hope — but the low tone of several men as they re- 
moved them into a cart that stood ready, convinced me as 
well as my eyes which were getting used to the darkness. 
I counted one, two, three, and up to fifteen ; my heart sick- 
ened, I turned, retraced my steps ; warfare was better than 
this, though my foes were legions. Dark, shadowy forma 
were flitting every few steps across the way bearing the 
dead ; no sound was heardi n the street, save the low rum- 
ble of carts filled with victims to the dreadful scourge. 
I found my room at last — how, I never knew ; I lai d down 
and prayed for the morning light, but the musquitoes, as 
if to make up for the lost time, redoubled their depreda- 
tions. An idea struck me, I would get under the bed and 
perhaps elude them, I did and had peace for full five minutes 
how I enjoyed it ; but they found me, and I beat a retreat ; 
feeling about I discovered a fire-place and a wooden fire- 
board partly before it. I have it, and my heart gave one 
leap of joy, I shook my fist at the humming torments, and 
doubling myself up, crawled into the fire place, bringing 
the fire-board after me the best I could ; I had air, and if it 
did not smell very pure, why it was better tlian having 
one's blood drawn away in the smallest possible fractions, 
let alone the sensation after it*, the stench grew stronger 
and stronger. No wonder, thought I, that people die hero. 
I began to grow curious and commenced feeling about mo 



132 OCb ABE'S JOKES, 

cautiously first, then more daring, my hand went down into 
a vessel containing, not exactly cider and dougli-nuts, but 
what might have passed for them if eyes only were used. 
I found -some water and after washing over and over again 
that hand, I went below, enquired if any vessel was to 
leave that day, for it was already light and the inmates 
astir. They said yes, and with rapid strides 1 found my 
way to the levee where a steamer was ready to sail* 
Thank Eleaven, I muttered, business must take care o? it- 
self, I'm ofiF. The remembrance of that awful night «rill 
haunt me to the grave.' 



Too Good to be Lost. 

•Old Abe,' who presides at the National White House, 
is very fond of a good joke, and is in the habit of telling 
them, greatly to the amusement, and not unfrequently at 
the expense of his most particular friends. We have 
heard one lately, which, we think, will turn the tables upon 
the President. The conversation is said to have occur- 
red between an old Illinois farmer and a member of Con- 
gress from Missouri, at Willard's Hotel, in Washington 
city. 

Mr. R., the member, was in one of the sitting rooms of 
the hotel, quietly puffing his cigar and reading the New 
York • Herald,' when he was approached by a rough, 
bnrly, middle-aged man, and the followi* ^ dialogue is 
said to have occurred between them ; 

Illinois Farmer. « Sir, to make frc J. understand 3'ou 



PRE9H FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 133 

are a member of Congress from the great State of Mia- 
iouri.' 

Mr. R. < Yon are correctly informed, sir, I represent 
the Congressional District, in that State.' 

I. F. 'I am from Illinois, sir; am in Washington city, 
on no particular business — just looking round a little, to 
Bee how 'the cat jumps.' 

Mr. R. * I am glad to know you, sir ; Illinois and Mis- 
souri ought to be good friends, and I shall be most happy 
to serve you in any way tliat I can.' 

I. F. ' Well, sir, I don't want anything except to see 
this d d infernal rebellion put down, it's nearly ruin- 
ed us out West ; I have already lost one son, and I would 
not be surprised if I lost them all before the war is over, 
for they are all in it, several of them with that brave fel- 
low, John Logan.' 

Mr. R. * Sir, you have my earnest sympathies, both in 
your desire to see the rebellion crushed, and in the severe 
loss you have met with in the death of your son. I hope 
the Government will finally triumph in this wicked war, 
which has been forced upon it.' 

I. F. * Are you much acquainted in Illinois ? Do you 
know Mr, Browning ? and if so what do you think of 
him V 

Mr. R. <I know Mr. Browning very •well, sir. I 
think very highly of him. He is a good man, Bir, and HJaQ 
of the first statesmen of the country.' 

I. F. * Well, sir, are you. acquainted with • old Dick t' 
he's been my representative in Congress f ^r a long while. 

Mr. R. ' You allude, I cu; pose, to Col. Dick Richard- 
iQQ» of QuincjT V 



l34 OLD ABE '3 JOKES, 

I. F. * He's the b'hoy, sir ; what do you think of hkn f 

Mr. R. ' Col. R. is a patriotic and good man, a little 
too much steeped in Democracy.' 

I. F. ' Never mind his Democracy, that will never 
hurt him half so much as the mean whiskey he drinks ; I 
tell you, Dick's a glorious fellow ; I like to hear him after 
that miraculous genius, Trumbull, who, I 'spose, wears aa 
small a gizzard as any man that ever entered the Senate. 
After all though, my friend Stephen A, was the man, he 
could ' take the starch out of any of them,' and if he had 
lived, sir, I believe this infernal rebellion would have been 
over.' 

Mr. R. * Very likely, sir, ; Mr. Douglass was a noble 
man ; he would have exerted a vast influence, if he had 
lived, over the fate of our unhappy country.' 

I. F. * Well, sir, do you know * Old Abe?' 

Mb. R. * 1 have that honor.' 

I. F. * Well, I don't consider there is much honor 
about it, but I'd just like to know what you think of 
him.' 

Mr. R. * Well, sir, I am inclined to think well of the 
President : I believe he loves his country, sir. He is sur- 
rounded by great difficulties, and is doing the best he can 
to surmount them. He is frequently persuaded to do 
things which I think his better judgment docs not approve, 
I believe he is honest, sir.' 

I. F. *Well, my friend, I see that ' Abe ' has rather 
taken you in. I know him a devilish sight better than 
most men. I have known him 'like a book' for tliirty- 
fivc years. I knew him when he was a rail-splitter, an>l 
I tell you he never did an honest day's work at the Im^i- 



FBESH FBOM ABSAHAM'S BOSUM. 135 

Bess in Ms life. If he had 100 rails to hew he always 
got tliem from somebody else's pile ! I knew him when 
he was a grocery keeper, and he always kept bad whiskey, 
cut a fellow's dram short, and charged two prices. With 
some folks Lincoln had the reputation of being very 
honest and not very smart ; but I tell you, sir, he's d — d 
smart and none too honest ? (somewhat excited and the 
crowd gathering around). I tell you, sir, I know ' Abe' 
like a book, sir, and by the eternal, what I say is true V 

Mr. R. (Somewhat confused) — « Sir, I was just about 
taking a mint julep ; will you have the kindness to join 
me?' 

I. F. • If you are tired of talking, with all my heart, 
sir. Missouri and Illinois must stand together, sir. I 
tell you, by the shades of Old Hickory and Benton, they 
must work and fight for the old Union, Missouri and Illi- 
nois are the greatest ^ tates in the Union, sir. If they'll 
stand together, breast to breast, they can knock h — 11 out 
01 South Carolina and the whole South, and then, if need 
be, turn round and shovel New England into the ocean.' 

Exeunt to the bar room. 



'.ey's New "War TSTovels. — ]>^o. 1. 

* iOSBY, THE GUERRILLA. 

■ ■'- of the Newgate Calendar do not show in any life of a highwayman, more incidents ( 
.(■ .1. ifiiig, or brutality, than have been eviikuce I in the career of Mosby. In hia early /' 
as a New Vork (lambler, ia his ciireer uii'lnr Tarn-T Asbhy, daiin? his adventures as a Cap. I 
lof CrU'Trilhis, Mosl)y phiiWfd himsi'If to bi3 an embryo villain— one who would not hesitate )( 
mything to aiicdinpli^b li'S e-^, la ; but the greatest e|)oi'h of his career has been since he re- II 
.•ed h's promotion t > Colonfl an 1 ct..>.-f of riiierril:a9 in V.rijinia Cirinij notlji;-- for (iiiiuin. 
ho hrstt-d the black fl i? an 1 the pistol shot an 1 the rjpe w;is then h. virtel of e.^'han^e. 
"he a'l^'eiitnres of M.>sby are idontic.il with that of h's '• b"autiful Belle of ' '^ '-fax," who 
(iced 'i daahincr Col. Rtonrliton, and Delilali-liki delivered him 07pr to the PL Ush?-, Cap- 
i:» Prani^md Estelle have played ni small part in the (Juerrill.i's iii>-tory, and i.ii) aoOOTt I-iali 
lierly " 'orry '' is found to be a good match for Mosby'a n:gro *' Sam." ^ 

Da\vley's ISTe^v War Novels. ™ No. 

PAULINE, THE FEMALE SPY 

b ad\ft'iiurea of a scout have always been fell of interest ; but a record of i .'.Mf'e^its att Q.i- 

t, 2 liiiitementa of a spy —especially a f -oi lie — nust b j p irticularly entertain! 14 tj ihe rodt'' f. 

roiae of this novel is a ro il character and her liairbn-adtli e^cap.s, her m iny riska of c_> 

h'» wounds, an i the schemes Ph.3 a looted t)rai'Aeth9 (1 ict rs coact-al hjr Identity aa a 

^H her intrigues, amorous and otherwis-, m..,.e tho recital rich as well as reulable. 

•nturea of the author w'th tlie spy herself la partcila'ly described, in the courae of 1'' 
md as many of the incideuta took place whon ho and slie werj alone, and none could 
y. were wanted,- -to hear or see, he only is able to give tlie facta. Aii.l he does so in a )i 

e tha. uoea credit to hia genius ; bat certaialy none to his powers of keeping a secret." 

Dawley's Ne^v AVar Novels. --- N o. 3. 

SEMMES, THE PIRATE. n 

f .518 wn-k embmcea iu it the hiat ricil d.'tails <if t'ao lif^ of Raphaels mnies. the captain of )i 
C«nie<etate Piralicl craft Alabama nud also poitiays many f afiirt-s of l.fe in Euijland, 
u, Afri:«. &c Setuints' love adv iitU'XM with Mi.luni, i) );ri 1 1 .,i<i"l: i (i niz il'Z, luid the 
-lia'i liily Ptora .M.icdonald, nro describe I with a pi(|n:in(;\ for w:ii<Mi tlie aiilior ),s uot<'d. The 
.lllgii» be:wL*i*n the A abuuaan I K •a'Si','e, in | i:ie Alib.im i an I liaU.,Tds are grapliicU'y 
lied , oi'l Ih'! pir«ci('s<)f tb'! nbi I vp;s( 1 lorm an int ■-esti:i:,' j> <n:(>:i i f tie book. Tiiechai- 
r of Kmmes hi .se f is fi thfn'iy pict.n.ed, nndKli nvs t )t le rea J( r (^f tj a work a strange com- 
i t -V misiuru of a bra-e sai r, with a c^.va.dly miscrtaut, a uoblo. conqueror with a paltry )( 
ut, aman hater and woman lovor. 



]i 



X^tv^ley's Now AVar Novels. -- No. 4. 

JILDARE, THE BLACK SCOUT. 

!■■ ;Ml.'otiir..a , r t I • r> iCK SCO If, lilll (if ^.e'll ao 1 <>C •, Ifilf ,it, lor.n a.l l.iL -.(Sliii^,' I •.itue iu 
iiicu-nn (.1 111 \V;n- oi liij U.bi'.hon. l.vv.i in il.io.^. r "t be ii^ ti,.v-ii a \> isi'inr byrtu 
n\ ; il«.ys . n t!i" qw V'vc for int' I igon-e of iati'i-'st to IT * c.uise, and con-,t luuy jti lii'iim 
fiiiu HJit ns aKpy he (i i is his I.fe a iii xtiru of pl.Msn e a , I jiiin. Iheso i ic denia of Kill 
's b'lii.) inii>r.!sun ' in the liiij'iiAt il'gree Th..- oth'-r cluiraci.'Ts of tlie story are piq'iant 
tnii if i)r.,-e8t ; Hml RcTve to illustrate much of the pec diaritiea of the people who itside • 
li of Ihel ne of Mason and Dixon. [ 

Lsk any '^owsdoalcr for a Copy of Dawby's War Hovels. f 

t'i:-i-"><T->.. .MMLF.I* I'O.^TI'.Ml). _ T. i:. D.VW'LI^V, I'nu.isi.Kit, N'loxv Vork. '' 



Dawley's Camp and Fireside Library— Nt 



THE TWO RIVAl 

or, 
"MAN AND MONEY. 

^ . From the French 

OF 

JFCMILB. SOUVESTRE 

». m • m «« 

The very name of French novel may conjure up ideas equally alarn 
V of French cookery. "Whether we shall be regaled with " fillet 
ny snake," instead of fillet of Bole ; whether an oyster-fed cat cj 
geniously made to represent rabbit ; or, a poodle nourished on spi 
transformed into the similitude of pheasant. Admitting that mu{ 
literature is, like sausage-rolls, light aiid disappointing; granting th 
is wild, Paul de Kock licentious, and Sue too often prolific of horr 
no means follows that the same soil which sends forth bristle and 
not breed celandine and daisy. 



List of Dawley's Camp & Fireside Library now Pul 



NUJMBKR 1. 

Incidents of American CaKip 

lilfe.— -Being events of the present Rebel- 
lion. 12 mo.. lOS pp. niominated coTer. 
Mailed, post paid, 15 cents. 



.Tnsttna, the Avenf^er.— 

of this truly interesting stoiy, i 
rare qualities and well cultivated 
tritil of the heroine will awaken 
every woman'a heart. Mailed 
Price, 15 centa. 

nxjm:be!r o 

TUe Mad Bard ; or, the B 
Melrose Castle.— A hi8tori( 
the time of King Charlea II, th( 
self b^ing one of the prominent d 

Price, 15 centa, mailed post pait 

NXJJMBKR q 

The Two Rivals; or. 

Money.— From the French of 
vestre. A rare work. Maile< 
Price, 15 cents. 

i8@*"0ther Works of this series will be issved from time to tin 



isrxjJVtBER a. 

Mercedes ; or, the OatIaw'0<Dhild. 

A tale of California life, the scenes of which 
are laid in California, commencing some 
years before the Gold mines were discovered, 
and brought down to the time '' when mobs 
and murders were as plenty as golden slugs," 
when arose the YigUance Committee, taking 
vengeance into their own hands, when the 
quivering bodies of flagrant offenders swung 
from the windows in Battery Street. Price, 
15 cents, mailed, post paid. 



NXJMBER 3. 

Norma Danton ; or, the ChlldreM 
of the l.igI»thouse.— A tale of New 
York City — a real picture of the different 



phases of city lift, 
post paid. 



Price, li OM 



The Book and Periodical Trade have lor 

want of a series of Cheap Publications to retaJ at prices within 
all, and, at the same time, sold to the Dealer at such prices as wii 
to make a/air and liberal profit. Heretofore the lowest priced 
been sold at such rates that the profits to the Dealer were exceed 
and the sudden rise in paper caused the Publisher to raise the 
Trade, thus making the Dealer paji^Jhe advance. The object of t 
of Dawley's Nkw Series of NovE^aJ^-lo plate in the hands of 
Series of Books that will sell, and afford/a profit that will , amply 
for their efforts in pushing the sale of the santo.' /',./ ,^-'-' ^- 

T. E. DAWLEY, PubHsher, 13 & 15 Park I 



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